"The only way to become truly free is when we have nothing left to lose."

 First off: I actually started writing this article a few weeks ago, but the computer I was using didn't really function that well so I lost half of what I had written. Well, things happen for a reason. A lesson I keep learning for each step here in Africa.

So here I am, resting my smelly, weary feet in on Living Art Organic Farm in Noordhoek, south of Cape Town. It's been a long ride so far, and i'm only at the beginning of my journey. Started out in Johannesburg, went all the way down to Durban, then up to Bloemfontein only to arrive in Cape Town after that. I've bathed my feet at the indian ocean in Durban, and have done the same in the atlantic ocean here in Noordhoek. It's been more than two months on the road for me in this amazingly beautiful country. South Africa. I've fallen in love with this country. The people, the cities, the farms, the scenic landscapes, the deserts, the mountains and even the beer. And i'm not done yet. In early November i'm planning to swing by Lesotho for a few days to get an extra three months in this country. I tried the other way via the Department of Home Affairs, but I came to the conclusion that bureaucracy is not my cup of tea. I'd rather do things my way.

What have I been doing so far? Well, my first ten days I spent in Johannesburg which was kinda nice, had a few beers, met some people and even got myself a sightseeing tour through some of the worst areas in the city(and in the world). After that I headed southeast for my first WWOOF'ing experience. For those of you who have no clue of what WWOOF is: It's a world wide organization which gathers farms(usually organic) all over the world where one can work in exchange for food and accommodation. Quite useful when traveling on a shoestring budget and you get to learn a lot. My first WWOOF'ing experience was at Donkey Valley Farm, located between Volksrust, Mpumalanga and Newcastle, KwaZulu-Natal. I stayed there for about two weeks and got to build a fence. first time in my life i've ever built anything properly. My experience at that farm  is kinda mixed, I loved the location but I didn't feel that I got along that well with the family that hosted me. Nothing bad, but sometimes the wavelengths of communication are simply not aligned with each other. So I decided to move on a few hundred kilometers to the south, to Howick and then onwards to Zuvuya eco-village. To get there I had to take a taxi(a taxi down here means a minivan that runs to and from cities and within cities, usually with up to 12-16 passengers, incredibly uncomfortable but ridiculously cheap). A note about the taxis: Most white people here in South Africa fear and loathe them just because they're mainly used by black people. Yes, people, racism still runs rampant here in the new South Africa. But ofc not all whites are racists, and yes it goes both ways, blacks vs whites, coloreds vs indians, everyone vs everyone. There's a lot of deep wounds in this country which will take a long time to heal. But in general people are incredibly friendly.
Anyways, I took a taxi from Newcastle to Howick, sat uncomfortable for about 2-3 hours and then I took another one to Impendle community(a zulu-village) where I met up with my hosts at Zuvuya where I had my second WWOOF'ing experience. And what can I say? I loved that place and I've vowed to go back there one day, actually had to promise them that I would and I will. Zuvuya is a somewhat self-sustainable Eco-village in the KwaZulu-Natal midlands with their own mountain and I had a great time there.

Here ends the first part of my original article and I will not try to rewrite what I lost, but instead swing it in a new direction and write something completely different.  I've learned a lot while on the road so far, time works differently, I see the world with a different set of eyes. I see clearly for the first time in my life. Nothing is impossible, it's never too late and, most importantly, things happen for a reason. Since I left my "home", the so called safety of society, my job and my so called "friends", things have finally gone my way. Everything I do feels right and i've met so many wonderful people along the way. People that have taught me something, helped me, given me hints or people that i've simply helped with an inspiring thought or two. People have been so amazingly helpful along my way. So far I haven't spent a single cent on accommodation, and barely any on food. I feel incredibly happy for the first time in my life to be alive and I feel lucky to be in this situation. But I still have fears. I'm currently still living on my hard-earned savings and they won't last me forever, they will take me far and wide for a long time, but one day they eventually will run out. But one day when I was walking around in Bloemfontein, just killing time while waiting for my couchsurfing hosts to show up, a homeless guy named William(I'll never forget that guy) pops up out of nowhere, grabs me, asking me where i'm from. We ended up trading things on the sidewalk while cars were rushing by us, people were trying their best not to see the two hobos talking excitedly on the street, discussing the meaning of life and laughing out loud. He gave me a rubik cube and I gave him a beanie to keep him warm during the cold nights. But it is what he told me that affected me the most. He told me that the only way to become truly free is when we have nothing left to lose. That one hit right on the spot. That is my only, for once, real fear at the moment. When my savings run out. But I know deep inside that I will manage to survive and keep going. I know that I will figure out a way to keep going. I'm a survivor and that's what we do. We keep going no matter what. I refuse to go back to the life I left just because I run out of money. Life cares none for money, careers and the other problems and concerns that is within and created by "our" society. And i've had many people telling me, ensuring me that I will be able to make it, people who supports me constantly tells me to never give up, to keep going no matter what. And I will. My plan so far is to learn a trade or a craft along the way so I can make some money to support my traveling. I'm asking for it and therefore it will come. I am working towards it and therefore an opportunity will come. I am currently learning all the time. The things i'm doing now, the situations I end up in these days, I couldn't even imagine them happen to me a year ago.
Slowly, day by day, i'm letting go of my fear and one day it'll be gone. Forever.

Everything seem to fall in place.

The Essence of Punk.

Here I am, in South Africa, travelling around and so far having the time of my life. But there is still something that is gnawing in the back of my head. And I'm using this blog as some sort of therapy and today the subject is Punk, or more or less the hypocrisy and arrogance within the scene which has annoyed me for years and added to my severe depression which only made it worse.
A few days before I left Sweden for South Africa a friend of mine told me that some people are "concerned" with me having changed appearance. What the fuck?! Yes I have changed appearance, I don't have spikes or a mohawk(s) in a thousand colours anymore, nor do I wear my studded leather jacket and vegetarian steel capped boots. Why not? First off: Imagine yourself travelling with all that gear, and i'm gonna be on the road for a pretty long time. These past years my has appearance evolved not only resemble my new way of life, but also because it became more comfortable(for an example) wearing sneakers, black loose clothing etc. Makes travelling a hell of a lot easier. I still repair my own clothes, still D.I.Y. as fuck. But the thing is, just because my appearance and my lifestyle has evolved doesn't have to mean that i've become "normal" and have decided that i'm gonna get myself a house, two dogs, a car and a wife in a friendly crime-free neighbourhood(i'm actually doing quite the opposite, getting rid of everything in order to live MY life the way I want to live it, now that's punkrock if anything!). If you, the idiots who are seemingly assuming things behind my back would've come up to me and asked me not only what I was doing, why I went off to the forests for several months, and how I was doing, things would've been so much better, wouldn't it?
That's the problem with the scene today. As soon as someone sticks out or changes a wee bit, we assume and turn to gossip behind that person's back, or even spit at her/him. I did that myself when I was younger, always hated when people changed, since I thought punkrock was leather, studs, spikes, steel capped boots and a huge record collection. But it isn't. It's way more than that.
I find it quite funny that in a scene where we all claim to be free individuals, different in our own world, we are actually clones of one and another. We dress the same as thousands of others in our little "free" world. We think the same, we talk the same, we even fucking walk the same. And as for the rest of society, we're still the same as everything else, only that we're something of a "tribe", our own "secret" society or more precisely, a subculture. We gossip, we lie, we bullshit one another, we spend our time creating drama, we instigate, we drink, we hunt the pussy/the dick, we do drugs, we use money, some of us pay rent, some of us work or live on welfare, we're like some fucking big brother-show, but with thousands of participants. The worst part is, if you do not dress in a certain way, listen to certain bands, wear the right patches etc you have a problem being accepted, and everyone knows about this bullshit, but in the same time we refuse to acknowledge it. We apply the same group pressure we claim to be free of. And then we have the rockstar behaviour: If you play in the right band, or know the right people, everyone will, without question, kiss your ass.
Anyone who are familiar with The Restarts can look up the song "Static", there you have what I feel, and have felt for years. After years of mental decay, depression, friends fading or dying off I've simply decided to take matters into my own hands.

Don't take me wrong here, I love punkrock and the spirit of punk. Punk has kept me alive since I was 12-13 years old. Giving me hope and strength when the world was crashing down all at once around me, several times throughout the years. It has given me reason to go on. It was(and still is) a world for me where I could find other fucked up individuals coming from shattered homes with no hope of a bright future. It was something I could call home. But as the years went by I started seeing all the hypocrisy, the hidden hierarchy which is, unfortunately, a huge part of the scene today. To be honest, I hate it. But I love punkrock and the spirit of punk, always have, always will. I'm not leaving the scene, I am, as I mentioned above, evolving into something more. Instead of spending day in and day out complaining about the world, the society and the system, spending my weekends on punkrock gigs getting drunk or fucked up on drugs i'm off to do something. I react to my situation, to my dreams, my fear and my hate towards this society. I'm taking action and that is punk if anything. A slap in the face. I've been slapped in the face by life for 27 years, now i'm slapping back and reclaiming what is rightfully mine: my right to live my life on my terms.

Do I claim to know what punk is? Can I describe it? We all know what punk is, but at the same time we don't. Punk is something similar to Zen(quite an off comparison I know); it's a contradiction. Punk is taking back control of your own life. Punk is purely individual. Punk is life. Punk is hate, love, activism, politics, chaos, rage, tenderness, gutters, trees, squats, open spaces, cities, forests and mountains, it is our planet, the essence of all life. Punk is human. Now that is my interpretation of Punk, each and everyone of us has their own(hopefully) version of what punk really is. It's all up to you. Punk for me is not having the biggest record collection ever, not mohawks or spikes nor studded jackets or steel capped boots. For me that is a label. Although a really neat looking label, but it doesn't really make us free, does it?

Another piece of honesty: About a year ago, a wee bit more, I tried to fuck off from the scene, I was so sick of all the bullshit and the hypocrisy(and the booze and the drugs) that I wanted to say "fuck it" and disappear into the mist. But that didn't work very well, did it? I can't change who I have become, what this world has turned me into, my roots. I am a punk and I can't change that, nor do I want to. A while I even tried to adapt to some aspects of the scene because I felt lonely, imagine that, to feel lonely in a scene which claims to stand together. But I did, people died off or faded away and so did the world around me several times, and I tried to adapt and evolve in order not to feel lonely. But it didn't quite work, just made me feel more and more like an outsider in a world which I saw as my home, and still is. So here I am, saying fuck off to everything except myself. Fuck off to all you hypocrites, all you liars, backstabbers and two-faced cunts. Fuck all you so called rockstars and you fucks who claim themselves to be the perfect punkrocker/squatter/anarchist/activist/hobo. Fuck off to all you fucks who didn't support me when I had my mental breakdown and I didn't want to drink alcohol, you fucks who instead wanted to offer me beer in order to make me feel better(which you didn't, you only wanted a drinking companion and thought you were doing something good since you paid for the beer), fuck all of you who didn't fucking bother to ask how I was doing, why I was doing what i've been doing in order to do what i'm doing right now. Fuck all of you who were just interested in having me to come to shows so I could swag a few beers with you.
And my deepest respect to those of you who have been there, supporting me, understanding me and talked to me and listened to my ramblings about life throughout these past years. Much love to you, you know who you are. Wherever I go, you are there as well.

New years eve 2006/2007

My first steps in Africa...

Here I am then. Africa. Or more precisely Johannesburg, South Africa. Been here a couple of days now, arrived here last friday. Will be staying here until sunday where I will continue my travels and go south-east to the province of KwaZulu-Natal, to volunteer on a farm there.
What have I done here in Johannesburg so far? I've met good people, been drinking tasty beer and i'm freezing my ass off, literally, since it's winter down here. So far i've not yet been to the Apartheid museum, but hopefully one day I will manage to see it. I can't take the bus from where I am since  there is barely any buses going, this city is built for cars. And since I don't have a driving license i'm more or less dependant on the people I've gotten to know down here, and it's not that fun being this dependant on people. Especially since you can't go out alone during certain times of the day, in case you might get assaulted, robbed/mugged or whatever, some areas is a definitely no-no. Why? Well the crime-rate in South Africa, and especially Johannesburg is among the highest in the world, if not the highest.  Driving around on the streets here you see poor, homeless people everywhere. Quite the contrast from safe Scandinavia, and in some parts even europe. There are people trying to sell you stuff in every intersection/traffic lights(called Robot down here), you see people walking around in droves by the highway. There is poverty in Scandinavia and europe, but not like this, and i've seen nothing yet. This is only the beginning. A few days ago I got a ride through Hillbrow, the most dangerous area in Johannesburg, this was during the day so it was OK. But you could see the decline. There were hi-jacked buildings(there are apparently a thousand hi-jacked buildings in Johannesburg city centre with about 14000 people living in them. An hi-jacked building is often controlled by gangs or druglords and mostly the buildnings are not maintained, they look like shit) here and there and neighbourhood watches driving around. And my drivers re-assuring me that this is a place where I don't want to be at night. There are quite a few areas like that here in Johannesburg. Considering the amount of poverty it doesn't really surprise me. If you can't get a job here, or study, you are basically fucked, you get nothing from the government. Some lucky individuals do, but like 75% of the unemployed receives nothing at all. So that's the reason to why the crime rate is so high here, it's all about survival, not to get rich, not in most cases anyways. Besides that Johannesburg is a beautiful city, but there's contrasts everywhere, extreme poverty and extreme wealth side by side. And I haven't been to any of the townships yet. The people i've met so far has been great. Warm and helpful.

That's all for now. I'm alive and well in Roodepoort, Johannesburg.

Laters!

Here we go.

I'm off! Left my work on friday and became homeless at the same time. Everything is packed to the brim in my backpack and i'm set to go. Currently hanging out at a friends house in Gothenburg, Sweden. Somewhat hungover from last night since I had a few beers to celebrate my newly found freedom. It's been quite a while since last time. But definitely a reason to have a few beers with good friends, with the world at your feet.
I ended up giving my computer and my bike away, couldn't stand the hassle of trying to sell them(didn't try that hard though, the guy who was supposed to buy the computer bailed out), besides my landlord(and now former co-worker) needed a computer and her daughter needed a bike. So I thought since they'd let me stay there for free(they even refused to let me help them with stuff etc) since the end of march, a fully functional, decent computer and bike would hopefully be enough. It didn't feel bad to delete all the images and mp3's I had on the computer, it felt more like a relief, I don't have to worry about them anymore, still got some good tunes on my mp3-player to keep me company, and ofc some books.
Think i'll head down to Malmö tommorrow to visit some friends there, haven't seen my god-daughter for about 2 years and now is a good time to do so.

I'll catch you laters...

What exit!?

"It IS possible to get out of a trap. However, in order to break out of a prison, one first must confess to being in a prison. The trap is wo/man's emotional structure, her/his character structure. There is little use in devising systems of thought about the nature of the trap if the only thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to know the trap and to find the exit. Everything else is utterly useless: Singing hymns about the suffering in the trap, as the enslaved Negro does; or making poems about the beauty of freedom outside of the trap, dreamed of within the trap; or promising a life outside the trap after death, as Catholicism promises its congregations; or confessing a semper ignorabimus as do the resigned philosophers; or building a philosophic system around the despair of life within the trap, as did Schopenhauer; or dreaming up a superman who would be so much different from the man in the trap, as Nietzsche did, until, trapped in a lunatic asylum, he wrote, finally, the full truth about himself—too late. . . .

The first thing to do is to find the exit out of the trap. The nature of the trap has no interest whatsoever beyond this one crucial point: WHERE IS THE EXIT OUT OF THE TRAP?

One can decorate a trap to make life more comfortable in it. This is done by the Michelangelos and the Shakespeares and the Goethes. One can invent makeshift contraptions to secure longer life in the trap. This is done by the great scientists and physicians, the Meyers and the Pasteurs and the Flemings. One can devise great art in healing broken bones when one falls into the trap.


The crucial point still is and remains: to find the exit out of the trap. WHERE IS THE EXIT INTO THE ENDLESS OPEN SPACE?


The exit remains hidden. It is the greatest riddle of all. The most ridiculous as well as tragic thing is this:
THE EXIT IS CLEARLY VISIBLE TO ALL TRAPPED IN THE HOLE. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO SEE IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE THE EXIT IS. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO MAKE A MOVE TOWARD IT. MORE: WHOEVER MOVES TOWARD THE EXIT, OR WHOEVER POINTS TOWARD IT IS DECLARED CRAZY OR A CRIMINAL OR A SINNER TO BURN IN HELL.

It turns out that the trouble is not with the trap or even with finding the exit. The trouble is WITHIN THE TRAPPED ONES.

All this is, seen from outside the trap, incomprehensible to a simple mind. It is even somehow insane. Why don't they see and move toward the clearly visible exit? As soon as they get close to the exit they start screaming and run away from it. As soon as anyone among them tries to get out, they kill her/him. Only a very few slip out of the trap in the dark night when everybody is asleep."

from The Murder of Christ, (1953) by Wilhelm Reich.

"...See you around!"

One way or another we all come back, eh? All we need is a break from it all? A breather? This is after all the real world, isn't it? The natural order of things, right? We have to be realistic, don't we? Dreams are dreams and can only be perceived as such, right? This is it, isn't it? Why even bother? I mean, we can't really do anything about our situation now, can we? It's just a phase, will soon pass, won't it?
I have full respect for people who wish for my return and when they start to make plans for when I come back. I can understand it. I even understand those who continuously tell me that I will come back, that we all need a break every once in a while. That I will most likely fail in whatever I try to do. That I am crazy and brave. But that I will fail and come back.
Wanna know a secret? Promise not to tell anyone? Promise!!
Ok, here we go:

I DON'T WANT TO COME BACK!

I hate this way of life. I cannot possibly go back to being a wage slave again once I've managed to escape that life. Trust me, I will do whatever I can to prevent it from happening. Perhaps one day I will come back to Scandinavia and live here, but not the same way. Not ever again. To all of you who keep saying that I will return, that I will fail and give up: Is it your own fear speaking? I know it is. Are you simply jealous? I know you are. Do you wish that you could do the same? I know you do, and you can. Perhaps I might fail, perhaps times will get rough, and they will, oh yes they will, same way things will go well, it's called "the natural balance of life". Will I want to give up and go back to this world of "safety"? Perhaps.
I've come a long way already. I've gone through a lot of changes(internal as external) in order to do this. I've worked hard for this. Most importantly, i've been dreaming about this my whole life. And now finally i'm at the threshold. I will not give up. I'd rather spend the rest of my life on the road, free, happy and in control of my life, than to go back to a life of corporate slavery just to feel "safe". One thing I can promise, if I do come back to become a wage slave again, suicide won't be far off. This I know. I want to live, that's why i'm doing this in the first place. To live my life. To see what's out there.

I'll round this one off with a well known quote from a very wise man, Jiddu Krishnamurti, a man who knew what life is about, that living one's life is more important than any record album, any car, any partner, any job, any house etc.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

See you around!

"Crazy eyes"

You've seen us on the streets. You've passed us on a busy sidewalk during rush hour. You've shared an elevator with one of us. You've passed one or several of us on a dusty country road. You've seen us on your television when you come home from work, school or the unemployment office. You've shared a dance floor with one or several of us. You've read about some of our actions or deeds  in the newspapers.
You have undoubtedly seen us. You undoubtedly know of our existence. You do your very best denying the fact that we do exist. The governments and "our" society are doing their best to help you ignore our existence.
You know we are out there. Roaming the world. Living our lives. Reclaiming every second that is rightfully ours.

You have seen the light in our eyes. You have noticed the fire burning within us. You have heard our cries of freedom. You have noticed we thrive in excitement. You have noticed our impulsive behaviour. You know we are out of control. You have noticed us taking risks, chances that you would never even think of. You have heard our stories. Stories of survival. Stories of pain and grief. Stories of courage. Stories of adventure. Stories of joy and happiness. Stories of myth and legends. We are many. We have existed since the dawn of mankind.

You have seen us turn the streets into dance floors. You have seen us on the burning barricades of a riot. You have seen us establish self-sustainable villages out in the wilderness. You have seen us walking towards the sunset, travelling like nomads. You have heard our laughter in the distance. You have seen us walking out of our jobs in anger. You have seen us fight for our lives in wars and rebellions. You have seen us survive. You have seen us die. You have seen our "crazy eyes", sharp and filled with life, vivid. We have scared you, made you feel uncomfortable. We have made you feel safe.

Many have recognised us and are trying their best to resemble us. They want to be like us. They buy clothes to dress as something what they believe to be us. They buy records as they believe music is what represents what we stand for. They buy items, they consume for they believe that in that way they can become us. They buy to pretend. All the while they despise us for we do not seek recognition, we do not seek fame, we do not seek wealth. But these pretenders do.

No matter in what situation you might find us in, you know we are there. You know we exist.
We have been called or called ourselves many things. Punk rockers(or any other subcultural group). Squatters. Anarchists(or any other political ideology). Free spirits. Nomads. Travellers. Liberation fighters. Terrorists. Activists. Freaks. Outcasts. Homeless. Misunderstood. Misfits. Insane. Explorers. Adventurers. Healers. Warriors. Leaders. Scavengers. Looters. Hermits. We do not belong to any political organization or subcultural group. No way is the right way. No truth is the one truth. No moral is the correct and ethical moral.
What we truly are is as obvious as the rising sun:

We are humans.

Come join us.
There is no fee, no payments, no mortgages, no rent, no jobs,  no bosses, no obligations, no fear, no political agenda, no organizations, no rules, no laws, no morals, no religions, no bills, no taxes, no borders, no countries, no visas, no money, no demands, no consumerism, no capitalism, no racism, no government. All you need is to believe in yourself. You need to believe in your right to live your life as you see fit, but not on the expense of others. It is possible, all you have to do is to open your eyes and let go. Let go of everything that holds you down.
Let go.

Live your life.

To never walk alone.

Last weekend I was volunteering at a festival called Punk Illegal in Munkedal, Sweden. A branch of an organisation called "No one is Illegal" which is helping Illegal immigrants(or hidden refugees that has been denied permanent residence and simply can't go back to their home countries due to war or political instabilities) in Sweden. There are approx. 10-35000 illegal immigrants in Sweden and about 8 million in Europe. The festival was great and there were about 900 visitors so I'm quite sure they made a lot of money.

But this is not what i'm gonna write about today, gonna write about friendship.

When I came to that festival I hadn't seen some of my friends since march, that's three months. But it was amazing. Some friends I hadn't seen since christmas, or worse, for over a year. This is friends that I've been going through hell with, and back with a few of them.  And when I met them it was as if we'd never been separated. That's when it hit me, what real friendship is. I realised that no matter how far I'll travel, no matter for how long I will be gone, I will never walk alone.

Real friendship is that no matter how far away you are from each other, a true friend is always there, to offer a shoulder when a shoulder is needed. No matter how long it takes until you see each other again, a true friend is always welcoming. Real friendship never ends. Real friendship has no borders.
It can go months, even years, but it never goes away.
True friendship is supportive. Honest. Forgiving. Understanding. Critical. Constructive. Loyal. Respectful. Accepting. True friendship is extremely rare.
True friendship is a poke in the darkness, pulling you up when all hope seems lost. True friendship is a pat on the back, a shuffling of hair, a laughter in the distance and a smile when a smile is needed.
True friendship is not bound by alcohol. true friendship is not bound by drugs. True friendship is not bound by rules or laws. True friendship is bound by experience. By hopes and dreams.

By life.

With this I would like to give a humongous "thank you" to all my friends out there, old, new, dead, live, internet friends and future ones. Thank you all for existing(or have existed), thank you all for making life worth living, thank you all for making it all easier, thank you all for being the persons you are, thank you all for giving inspiration, hope and strength. Thank you all for putting up with my ramblings and jibberings about life and the world in general. Thank you all for making wherever you are feel like home.
I consider myself to be lucky.

Thank you.

...out of the ashes...

We're all thinking of it. Most of the time we avoid talking about it. It scares us. It reeks of doom and death. The apocalypse. Cities laid in ruins, fires from the sky, the four horsemen riding across fields drenched in blood and decaying bodies. Seas poisoned, all life on earth extinguished, eternal darkness underneath a dead sun.
War. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

We've all seen the movies. The Road. 2012. Armageddon. Jericho. 28 days/weeks later. I Am Legend. The Mad Max trilogy and so on. Not to mention all the books on the subject. Most of those stories describing the apocalypse as a violent, deadly event. But also as an event filled with hope. A new beginning. A new dawn. Out of the ashes springs new life.
Some say it will be a shift of ages, as we currently are living in the age of Pisces and are supposedly entering the age of Aquarius around 2012, although some sources say we won't do that until yet another 100-500 years. Sources vary. They all do. This shift is supposed to awaken mankind. To bring an age of light and hope. An age of peace.

As the year 2012 is drawing nearer, the apocalyptic hysteria is growing by the day. Especially the stories that tells of our impending doom. Of our species extinction. The end of human civilization. The end of all life. The end of planet earth even. But why does it have to be and ending?
Is see it as a possible new beginning for mankind. A second chance. Do I believe in the apocalypse? Oh, yes.

We can all feel it, deep inside of us. Most of us are having a hard time seeing a future, especially in this so-called society of "ours, "our" civilization. Mother Earth is being ravaged, raped, drained and destroyed for minerals that creates the base of this society of "ours". A society we don't really need for our survival. Technologies which are supposed to make our lives easier, but are in truth only making us dumber, inhuman, deforming us, removing our basic skills of survival and adaption, our natural instincts. We are loosing contact with ourselves. Especially with nature. Unemployment is sky-high in third world countries where whole populations are starving to death, western countries are not far off. Overpopulation. Food shortages. Water shortages. Oil shortages. Pollution. War. Genocides. We are a disease to ourselves. To our planet. And still we are building more than ever. Digging, scraping the earth bare of its minerals. Killing species after species, poisoning the oceans. There is no future in this. We can all see that. It's not a matter of "if", but of "when".
How will this society, this civilization of man end? Through war? Through the awesome power and wrath of mother Earth? Or will it one day just cease to function? Alien invasion? We cannot possibly know. But we all know that this society, this civilization will end one day. Nothing lasts forever.
I believe we are in the middle of it. The Apocalypse. The civilization as we know it is crumbling on it's own foundations as we speak. I don't think it will be an instant event, but long and out-drawn. Numerous series of events which are currently taking place that will eventually lead us to our civilizations inevitable end. Note that I don't say our end, but the end of "our" civilization.

I do believe that whatever happens, mankind will survive. At a price. A very high price. I don't think I have to explain what that price really is do I?
What I'm thinking of is cities. I see them as living tombs. Cities of the dead. Necropolis. In my view, the only way for survival is to get out of the cities, out to the country-side, to the forests, the fields and the hills. If and when things go bad, and it will get bad, people living in cities are among the first to suffer. There is nothing prophetical about this, with a little common sense it's not hard to see or imagine. We will need to learn how to live with nature again. Build a new world for ourselves.

I do not view the apocalypse as a frightening event. I welcome it. It is exactly what we and mother Earth need in order to survive. It is not the end. It is a new beginning. A new dawn.

It is hope.

A life worth dying for.

Not even two months to go. Less then eight weeks left til I become free to follow the wind. Free as a bird. Free to decide the cycles of my life. Free from the chains of this society. Free from obligations. Free from stereotypical behavior. Free from arrogance. Free from ignorance. Free from my old self. Free to begin a new life.

Free.

In ways I have a hard time grasping it, sometimes it's as clear as a blue sky on a hot summer day. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall, questioning my own decisions and actions. I am throwing away everything that I have been brought up to believe to be safe and security. Job, home, friends, familiar surroundings, stereotypes, subcultural belonging, things, everything. I cannot fully explain how liberating it feels. To finally be in control of my own life. To follow my dreams. My hopes. Making them come true. To live my life as I've always wanted. To travel the world. As the nomad I have always been, craving to travel the world, gaining knowledge and experience.

When I look back at my life, what I have always viewed as twenty seven years of hell, it led me to this point. In a way preparing me. Gently kicking me in the teeth, telling me to let go.
I've always been a lonewolf, more or less, always drifting from place to place. Orphanage to foster home to juvenile institution, year after year, never more than two years at one place. A few months there, a year there and some random weeks or weekends there. Always moving, never still. And always on my own. Everyone I have truly loved have been taken away from me. Grandparents. Mom. Dad. Several friends. Dead and gone. I have no real family to speak of. No connections.
For years I hated my life, questioning it, constantly asking why I had to go through all those experiences. Why it happened to me. Why? why? Why? But now I don't ask why anymore. I know why now. It led me to this. I see that now, like reading chapters in a book, like following a thread. There's a quote by Bernice Johnson Reagon which describes what I mean pretty well: 

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

Am I scared? Of course I'm scared. Seriously, I'm leaving familiar ground here, jumping right out of a cliff, treading on thin ice. But I'm not letting it paralyze me, I see it as a challenge. For every time we overcome a fear, we grow as person, become stronger mentally. We realize that nothing is impossible. That's why I know I can do this. Break free from this society of "ours", become a nomad, a vagabond, free to roam the world.

I've paid a high price for this. I've gone through insane changes in my life. Still am.

I remember when I decided to go to Africa, it was about a year ago, and since then I've been working towards that goal, going through severe changes, physically, mentally and spiritually. Initially I had only planned to check out the South African punk rock scene for a month or two and then head back to Scandinavia, eventually even moving back to Sweden. But then I had my mental breakdown in december 2009 and everything changed. That breakdown told me to shape up and grab a hold of myself, take charge of my own life and follow my dreams. So here I am, planning to travel the world as cheaply as possible. I have no idea what awaits me and i'm leaving with an open mind. Will I move back to Scandinavia? Maybe, not this year though, perhaps not even in ten years. My dream is to travel as much as I can, to live life as fulfilling as I possibly can, to become happy. And who knows? One day I might find that "magical" place where I want to settle down. Where I can feel like home. I know I will. I've opened my mind to my surroundings, noticing all the people around me. I have let go of my stereotypical beliefs and narrow-minded views on the world. I've let go of all the hate I carried inside of me. I've let go of all my material belongings, except for what I can fit into a backpack. I have gone through what can be called a "cleansing".
In order to start anew, I must kill myself, my old way of life, and I have. I suppose most of you have heard Ozzy Osbourne singing the phrase: "Killing yourself to live"? He's not singing about suicide, he's singing about creating a new way of life, of breaking free, giving yourself a new chance to live life as life is meant to live. A cleansing.
And since I decided to start anew, i have met and come in contact with several people who are about to, who are or who have followed their own dreams, reclaimed their lives. Helping me gain insight and understanding of my own situation. Making me realise that I'm not alone on this. There are hundreds, if not thousands of us out there. Waking up and taking back control of our own lives.

Things are finally going my way. A few years back I had to kick down, or smash through one door at a time in order to get somewhere, since every door in front of me was firmly locked. But now I stand at a crossroads, with several doors wide open, all of them screaming at me to enter them.

A few years ago I feared the future, in fact, I saw no future at all.
I saw only darkness.
But now I see a future vibrant with possibilities. I look towards the future with hope, with great anticipation and with excitement. It might not make me rich and wealthy in the sense of money, but it will for sure give me the experience of a lifetime.

A life worth dying for!

A moment of thought.

Turn off your TV. Switch off your computer. Pull out the plug even. Put down your beer. Just for a few minutes. I ask of you a moment of thought.
Especially now in the wake of the Israeli attack on the ship Mavi Marmara and the ongoing propaganda war from the Israeli government. Think about what's happening. Not just now.
But what has been happening for years. For lifetimes. Palestinians murdered on a daily basis, imprisoned, searched, forced from their homes, the list goes on and on and on.
Today I just want to share a thought of all the lives around the world that is violently ended every day. Not just in Palestine. But also in every part of the world where there is an ongoing conflict or hidden genocides.

Afghanistan, Iraq, India, Pakistan, Thailand, Sri Lanka and the Tamil, Mexico, South Africa(no conflict here but more or less 18000 murders a year and around 3000+ farmers murdered since 1994), The Democratic Republic of the Congo, Sudan, Somalia, Burma, Nigeria, Philippines, Angola, Indonesia, Turkey and Kurdistan, Ethiopia, Colombia, Chad, Russia, Tibet, Uganda, Morocco and Western Sahara to count a few.

I do not meant o be respectful in any way towards the Palestinians and their fight for freedom. But where are the voices for all those other conflicts? Who tells the world about all those other hidden genocides? The unlawful Israeli occupation of Palestine is an easily purchased cause, again I mean no disrespect, but the rest of the world is forgotten. It sure does seem like it.

Where are the demonstrations to stop mining for Coltan in The Democratic Republic of the Congo? Coltan is a mineral which is used for computers, cellphones and videogame consoles etc. All those things that we "need". People die for that luxury, by the thousands every year. Anyone know the real reason for the war in the Congo? Anyone even know that there is a war going on there? Take a look at this.
People die everyday for our "needs". Yes, that includes the Ipod. Almost 7 million dead all in all.

Where are the demonstrations to stop the hidden genocide of white and coloured farmers in South Africa? Yes, there was one in Sweden a while ago by right wing extremists, neo-nazis, and that stinks! It stinks because they manage to show the problem in the wrong light, turning it into propaganda for themselves and their sick ideology. And the 18000 murders per year speaks for itself.

And where are the voices for Western Sahara?

And what about the Tamils in Sri Lanka? Yes, there where some demonstrations in Oslo about a year ago, but only the tamils living in exile demonstrated or tried to make their voices heard. Recently the Sri Lankan government more or less eradicated the tamil tigers from the face of the earth. Atleast from Sri Lanka.

There are ongoing conflicts all over the world and we know of but a handful of them.
But what scares me the most is that in 9 out of 10 times we have no idea of what caused the conflict in the first place. I'll give you a hint: Corporate interests! Profit! Not just oil. But Coltan, as mentioned above, and other minerals, diamonds, weapons(new weapons gotta be tested and used, right?), drugs, cattle farms for fast-food restaurants(Yes, one of the reasons to why the Amazon forest is disappearing) etc.

A moment of thought.

For all the lives that is lost for "our" comfort.

Thank you.

A tale of acrophobia.

Saturday morning, may 29th.  A hotel in Stavanger, Norway. My job had arranged a trip for everyone at work who were interested in going, which included dinners, hiking in mountains, a boat-trip in a fjord. They paid for everything. Almost.
 I awoke in my bed at 6:30 a.m, nearly devastated from the lack of sleep. First off, I do not feel comfortable staying at hotels, mostly due to the fact that I am not used to staying at hotels, since in my eyes, it is something of a luxury. And secondly, the night had been very warm. I took a quick shower, went down to the third floor to grab myself some sort of breakfast before everyone were due to leave for Preikestolen(Pulpit Rock), a huge rock formation in the norwegian fjord of Lysefjorden.
As I arrived in the dining area I became very confused of the set up, the dining area was very big, and the area designated to get your breakfast, the buffet, was equally big and I found myself being lost a few times, scratching my head not knowing where to begin. Lost in the meaning of what food to start with, as there were lots and lots of it. Well, I managed to make myself some sandwiches and then everyone was off for the ferry that was to take us to the base of the mountain where the Pulpit Rock is located.

When I came to Stavanger with my work I had no idea what I was heading into. Yeah, I had seen the Pulpit Rock on pictures and figured it would be a pretty high climb, but easily accessible. Oh my, was I wrong.
Just want to inform you all that I am insanely scared of heights, suffering from a bad case of acrophobia.

Anyways, we arrived at the base of the mountain by bus after a short ferry-trip from Stavanger. I started following my fellow co-workers up the mountain and so far everything was fine. It had been raining the whole morning, but as soon as we all started to walk up the mountain, the sun showed it's face. After a few hundred meters along the path up I started having problems, the path was narrowing, it was getting steeper and steeper and I was desperately clinging to the inside of the path. But I kept my pace, walking upwards.

Every now and then I managed to forget about the height I was ascending and even managed to enjoy my surroundings. At times I stopped to admire the view, desperately holding on to a tree, or a branch or whatever I could find. Some of the views were spectacular to say the least. Just imagine yourself climbing up a hill and when you reach the summit of that hill you are met with a sight that more or less blow you away in sheer "epic-ness".

The path was not something one could call a "proper road", at some locations it included heavy climbing over boulders for about 50-100 metres upwards, pretty steep. Sometimes it was a wooden bridge going over a swamp, or a bog. Other times one were going through small areas of trees, jumping from rock to rock. But everywhere one was surrounded by this incredible landscape, rock formations that that clearly speak of eons in age, mist caressing the tops, trees located in areas one would thought to be impossible for life to grow.
During this climb, my fear was present, but I could control it, I simply looked somewhere else, and if there were enough ground to stand on, I managed to enjoy my surroundings.

But when we started coming close to the top, at about 600 metres, this doesn't sound like much, but for a person like me it is way too much(especially if you are standing at cliffs going straight down), I started loosing control. Me and a few other co-workers came to the lats patch before the top, which is a very, very, narrow path, 600 metres up in the air, you can see straight down. At some points there is cracks where the path stops and you have to hold on to chains bolted into the mountain which you hold onto as you jump to the next platform so to speak. At some spots the path was as narrows a as 1 meter or less, not kidding. My legs started to shake here, real bad. But lucky me I have such great co-workers who helped me and cheered me on so I continued. I couldn't back down, that was impossible for me.
But after an incredibly painful and shaky last walk I made it to the Pulpit Rock, this awesome rock formation which looks like it's carved out of the mountain, made for giants to stand on. Or sit.
Acrophobia is serious business. As is any phobia. My legs were turning into jelly, gravity wanted to pull me off the cliff to a painful death, which seemed inevitable. But I did manage to crawl out to the center to sit for a few minutes with my co-workers, drank some juice and then I went back to my "safety-spot" again. I was almost choking at this time. Had sever problems with breathing and I felt myself slipping more and more out of control until one of my co-workers suggested it was time to head down. If she hadn't I probably would've died there, become paralyzed and unable to move. That is what real fear does to us.
That's how terrifying the whole experience was to me. With some supportive help from a co-worker, I managed to slowly descend the Pulpit Rock, at least the path which is the highest and the narrowest, after that I regained control and were able to more or less run down the mountain.

 
This is me, clinging to the mountain-side.

Do I regret it? Oh, no. I'm happy I did it, considering my fear of heights, I've seen one of the most beautiful views of Norway. The only thing I felt when I had managed to climb down the mountain, was shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt because I hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as my co-workers had done, because I had been so terrified. I felt beaten, even though everyone told me how courageous I was, conquering one of my worst fears. But I didn't feel "worthy" of all that praise. I felt ashamed.

But why? Why did I feel shame and guilt? Now, today when I think of it I realise how foolish it was for me to feel that way. When I instead should feel pride and happiness for being able to spit one of my greatest fears in the face.

And I do.

The water of life!

First off, a word of warning! This article is about alcohol, in the negative sense of the word. I will not preach what you should do or not do, nor will I patronize people who choose to drink alcohol. This is just my view of the consumption, not the alcohol itself. If you still want to continue reading, then please enjoy. Otherwise, thank you for your time. Why do I warn about this? Well, alcohol today, in certain areas, is a very sensitive subject to discuss. This article is a personal opinion of mine. I do not claim to speak for everyone in "our" society or the world.

Just imagine yourself coming home from work, you can finally relax in front of your TV with a newly opened cold beer in your hand. Or a couple of friends wants to meet up at the local pub.  Another friend needs a shoulder to cry on, to talk a bit, over a glass of wine or a beer.
When you hear the words summer or spring, what is the first thing you think about?  
A: Green grass? A warm sun? Naked bodies? Riding a bicycle? Taking a walk in a park? Ice cream?
B: Alcohol? Sinking a  few beers in your favourite park? Opening a bottle of wine in the sunset? Being able to sit outside the pub?
My bet is that most of you out there would think of the B-options. And why not? Alcohol makes us feel relaxed, feel comfortable in a world that is nothing but stress(almost on the verge of being chaotic). Alcohol takes away the pain one feels after a hard day at work(or the dole office). Alcohol is a good excuse to meet up with old friends, or friends overall. Alcohol is the perfect ice-breaker. And a match-maker in love. Alcohol makes us more confident and secure. Alcohol makes mourning a walk in the park. Alcohol improves your intellect. Alcohol makes us feel free. Alcohol makes us feel at home wherever we might end up. Alcohol makes us forget things we'd rather not remember. Alcohol is fun, fun, fun, fun! Alcohol is life!

Did any of you see what was wrong in what I wrote above? Nothing at all? Alright, no worries, it might come to you sooner or later. Hopefully. If you did manage to see what was wrong with the above, I suggest that you continue reading.

Our lives revolves around alcohol. We depend on it to function "normally" in this western society of "ours". It is our protection against a reality that is slowly tearing us apart. Tearing our minds and bodies asunder. It functions as an anchor.
How free are we if we can't socialize without alcohol? Is it really living, ending up on the pub every weekend(for some people everyday), you meet the same people, you hear the same stories(which may contain drama, lies, bullshit, paranoia), you drink the same beers/drinks, you throw away not only your money, but also your mental and physical health. How is it that when we want to "stress down" after a hard day, we drink a beer? Or a drink? How can things have gotten this far, this wrong, without us even noticing it? Right in front of our very own eyes!

What am I talking about? Well, think about it, alcohol is everywhere today, we are almost bathing in it. To drink alcohol regularly is considered to be normal today, it's almost mandatory. In those rare cases when someone chooses to not drink alcohol, this is more than often frowned upon and questioned, not supported. We have no idea how to behave when "sober people" are around. We become insanely nervous in their presence and decide that there is something wrong with them, for not wanting to drink alcohol.
At the same time we frown upon those who consume too much, those who become alcoholics.
But still, alcohol is related to almost everything we do. If we hang out with friends, we drink alcohol. If we want to celebrate something, we drink alcohol. If we are in a good mood, we drink alcohol. If we are depressed, we drink alcohol. Yeah, you get the picture. Alcohol is our lives, alcohol is controlling our lives.
Alcohol is not freedom.

How did we end up like this? About a hundred years ago(or more), for most people, alcohol was still something of a luxury. I mean, most people couldn't afford to drink as much as we do today. Alcohol was not as abundant as it is today. Human kind survived about 190,000 years without alcohol! Alcohol is still new to us.
How did this happen? How come today there is alcohol available everywhere, alcohol is one of the biggest businesses around the world, except for weapons, drugs, porn and food.
Those of you who are familiar with the genocide of many of the native american tribes can probably figure out what is going on, how it came to this. As I mentioned in a previous article, fear is constructed in order to control us, well, alcohol is one of their("our" governments) "solutions" to that fear. Not only is it a solution, but as with the case with money, it helps to keep us in order. "In order? Sometimes when we get drunk we go nuts!?" Well, like I wrote above, we associate almost everything with alcohol, we see it as part of our "spare time", as something to look forward to, something that helps us.  As long as we are focused on getting drunk, or "buzzed" we are harmless, passive.
The european settlers traded the native americans alcohol for valuable resources, sometimes they were forced under gunpoint to accept the alcohol, if not, there was no trade. The europeans "bought" land with alcohol under treaties which they later broke. Alcohol corrupted and destroyed countless cultures and tribes. Not only in North America, but also in South/Latin America, Africa, Asia and Polynesia(Australia and NZ included).

"As soon as the liquor trade began, colonists came to believe that it created havoc in Native communities. They were right. Indigenous and colonial observers reported that Native Americans who consumed alcohol did so only to become intoxicated. Those who became drunk fought with each other and with members of their families; they eroded the civility that normally characterized relations in indigenous communities. They fell into fires or off cliffs or drowned, and they at times murdered others, thereby opening raw wounds that communities struggled to heal."  Source can be found here.

This still goes on today, all over the world. The governments of this planet trade our freedom for alcohol. We don't have to be loyal to "our" governments, I mean, as long as we keep sucking on the bottle we have other things to think about. They have nothing to fear from us! With alcohol, we fight each other instead.
Our hate, our paranoia, our stress, our pain, our angst, our true freedom, our lives, our love is acted out via alcohol and directed towards each other. We meet many of our partners and friends while being drunk, or "buzzed". We get in most fights while being drunk. We choose to solve our personal dilemmas and issues while being drunk, making the situation(s) even worse for ourselves. We ARE alcohol!

Alright, gonna slow down a bit here. Alcohol is not the demon here, it is the consumption. We are taught our whole lives that drinking is a way of life. When we are teenagers we long for the day when we can drink alcohol legally, as if it were some "rite of adulthood" or a "passage to life".  Alcohol is everywhere. Even among those scenes(subcultures) that claim themselves to be free and independent is depending on alcohol. In some of those scenes it is considered "cool" to be drunk most of your waking time.
But yes of course, alcohol has been part of human history. But not like this.

In the old days(way back), alcohol was something of a luxury. And it was only consumed during a special holiday, or a celebration of some sort. A victory(in war), a birth, holy rites, the coming of  a season or a marriage. We can almost say that it was rare to drink alcohol in the old days. You didn't drink alcohol to have something to do, as we do today. In some(few) cultures, still today, alcohol is more or less non-existent.
We don't have to drink alcohol to survive. We don't even have to stop drinking alcohol. But we can stop drinking it the way we do today. In "our" society. Alcohol is not a solution for our problems, quite the opposite. Alcohol will never set us free, it will only strengthen the leash.
I'm not saying that we all should quit drinking, even though I can admit that it would've been for the best, I'm saying that we should pause for a minute and reflect on the impact alcohol has on our lives.
Everything we do, is connected to alcohol.

And me? I don't drink alcohol anymore. Sure, I can have one beer, perhaps two or three, but that's it. Only on special occasions, extremely rare. I am still trying to learn how to socialize without alcohol, and trust me, it is hard. Especially for someone who has grown up using alcohol as an excuse to meet people, or seen alcohol as a part of life. I have nothing against the alcohol per se, it's the consumption I have a problem with. Many of us have parents who are alcoholics, my mom was an alcoholic. She died when I was 14. And then we have the matter of friends. For several years I drank alcohol only to hang out with people, to have "fun". But in reality, I never had fun, I only became more and more depressed. As long as we drink alcohol we have tons of friends, right?  Drinking-buddies. In most cases we don't even have anything in common with each other, except for alcohol and perhaps music. But very few or no real ones. Oh, wanna loose friends? Try quit drinking for a while, it's quite amazing to see how quick about 98% of your "friends" disappear. "Bham!" Just like that. Works every time. I've tried it twice.

We are better than this.
We deserve better.

Just give it a thought.

"Hiraeth"

Ever had a feeling that no matter how many friends you're surrounded by, you are alone? When at a party or a dinner, you notice all your friends having a laugh, drinking, fighting over wich songs to put on, smiling at eachother. You notice their joy, but you cannot share it. Even though you smile back when a smile is directed towards you, or someone is cheering their beer at you, you cheer back. But there is no happiness in that smile of yours, no real joy in that cheer. You feel all alone, with your thoughts drifting away somewhere else, you know that there is something else out there, another place, another way of life. You have a constant feeling that all this is fake. Ever had that? Ofcourse you have.

Some people call this feeling a "quarter-crisis" or a "mid-crisis", when we start to ponder over the fact that we're growing old, we're about to die, we haven't achieved what we're supposed to, we have failed to answer the obligations of "our" society. You simply walk around with a feeling that everything around you is wrong. But you cannot really say what it is. More than often you might find yourself peering towards the distance, with a great longing in your heart, you want to do something, you feel that there is something else out there for you, but you can't let go. You can't leave. You'll lose friends, You'll lose your job, your home, your social security(if you're on the dole), you'll lose your "status", your band, your partner, your pet or whatever. There is always a reason not to let go.Why should you be unhappy? You've got your job, your stuff, your partner, your pet, your friends, your home. But still there is something that tells you that all this is wrong.
The ancient Celts(the Cymraeg/Welsh to be exact) call this feeling "hiraeth", it's more or less impossible to translate properly, but it kinda means that all humans have a deep longing for something, call it a sense of being homesick, but it's not even that, but something similar. We all feel that we have something else that we wish to do. That there is something else out there. Several ancient cultures, or mythologies call that feeling a "calling".

But in this society we can remedy this feeling. For a price ofcourse. If you ever have this "crisis" you can read books, or attend a course(or two) that will make you accept your situation for what it is, so you don't walk around having unrealistic dreams and hopes. We have psychologists("shrinks"), we have anti-depressives, we have alcohol and we have drugs. No need to "heed the call" so to speak when we've got all that to numben our "crisis".  I mean, we have obligations, things we have to do, we have to pay taxes, we have to work, we have to study, just imagine what would happen to this society if everyone would listen to their dreams and start reclaiming their lives? There is oil to be drilled, fish to be caught, forests to be cut down, wool to be collected, technology to be researched, money to be made. We have to get richer!

We have to make life more comfortable!

This society, in my opinion, is designed to make us forget who we really are. Trust me, and most of you out there knows this as well, we are not meant to live like this. All throughout human history, mankind has been wanderers, seekers, nomads exploring the earth. We have a free will of our own, minds to think with. But we are lead to believe that all we need in our lives is to be comfortable. Everything needs to be easy.
I mean, sure we can demonstrate on the streets, showing our contempt towards "our" governments, we can fight the police during riots. But at the end of the day, most people wanna be able to go home, to their TV's(so they can hopefully spot themselves on the news), their videogames, their computers, their sodas, their beers, their comfortable toilets, their pets, their plants, their ovens, their beds, their stuff, their stuff, their stuff. Why do you want a revolution when you still want to keep your comfortable life? Answer: We are literally brainwashed to act like this, no matter how free we claim to be. We have been brought up to think like this. That we need all that.
But we don't, deep inside we all feel it.

Do I have this feeling, this longing? This "hiraeth"?
Yes.
I've had it my whole life more or less. Sure, there have been periods when i've been able to forget about it, just living for the alcohol, not caring one bit about what was going on around me. At times, i've believed that if only I get that job, I will be able to live my life, I will be happy. Or if I get those record albums or those videogames. And it worked, for a short time. I was content and happy with my new stuff, my new job for about a month or two, sometimes it only took a few weeks. Then I would fall down on my butt again, thinking about my situation: "What the hell am I doing with my life, is this it?". But then I would find some other shiny thingie that would attract my eye, that could soothe this feeling for a moment. And I would go on like that, for years and years. But there was many a time when I could sit among my friends, drunk as I don't know what, not being able to share their happiness, not being able to share their laughs, not being able to enjoy the band that was playing on stage. Instead I could find myself gazing away at the distance with my thoughts, close to tears, knowing that there was something else out there, somewhere I had to be, that the life I was living was wrong, that everything around me was fake. I have always known. Even I started eating anti-depressives, thinking it would make my life better, and it did for a while, but I stopped eating them after a few months, for deep inside I know that it's not a solution. We have to open our eyes and live our lives. Alcohol, anti-depressives, drugs, tobacco, political ideologies, violence, artifical realities cannot save us or replace that feeling of longing that most of us have.

The lives most of us are living ARE FAKE.

Some of us can manage to supress this feeling pretty well and adjust themselves to living within this society of "ours". Work, eat, consume, get drunk, fuck, sleep, die. But for a price. Angst, depression, loneliness, hopelessness, forever wondering what's out there, fear, life-long medications, therapy and the list goes on and on and on.

Ever wondered why some people travel to India to "find themselves"? Ever wondered why some people decide to just "drop it all" and relocate themselves to the deep forests, to live in a cave? Ever wondered why some people one day leave everything to travel the world? Ever wondered why some people seem to have a certain "glow" in their eyes? Ever wondered why some people begin with spiritual "mumbo-jumbo", a.k.a paganism, bhuddism, shamanism, alternative religions or beliefs? Ever wondered why some people wishes to leave this society? Ever wondered why some people sneer or quietly grin at your political propaganda, or laugh in your face when you tell them that they have to do this and that?
Because they know. They know that all this around us is fake, that it is wrong. So they go out to pursue their dreams, no matter what the cost, and trust me, this society is designed so that if you do that, you are doomed to "fuck up". In this society you do not stray from the rest of the sheep without paying a high price. But these people don't care. They know that life is more than that. They know that taking risks, taking chances is part of life. Every hinder, every obstacle that stands in their way, will teach them something and they simply walk around it, climb over it, or smash right through it.
They have or are reclaiming their lives.

But what are we meant to do then? What is our "salvation"? Can we find it? Can we find life? Ofcourse we can, but we cannot find it in this society of "ours", where capitalism is the master.
I cannot tell you what we are meant to do or what you can do for yourself. Only you know what to do about your situation. Most of us know deep inside what we can do. But we must dare to let go. To let go of our prejudices, our fears, our brainwashed mentality that we "need" so much to survive. We need to let go of ourselves in order to become free, to become what we are. Humans.

Some cultures call this a "cleansing".

Reclaim your life and live, damn it, live!

A necessary evil?

Technology, do we really need it for our survival? I know this is a subject a lot of people laugh at, saying "ofcourse we need technology, it makes our lives easier and more comfortable". When I hear comments like that I see before me a scene from the movie WALL-E, when inside the human spaceship and we discover the truth of what has happend to mankind. Everyone is a floating blob of fat(sorry for spoilers). And considering the direction of how things are going today, this is very likely to happen.

I mean, with all this technology, in my opinion, we loose our basic skills for survival. I mean, how many of us, if dropped in the middle of nowhere, say a forest, can survive for more than a few days? I know I can't, but I would love to learn. I can make a fire, but that's about it.

No, I am not excactly fond of all this luxurious technology that literally chokes us in our everyday lives, and still, here I sit using the internet? We are all hypocrites, one way or another.

I can agree that internet is good for creating networks, contacts, spreading information, finding out about events and such, but that's it for me. I use it only as a necessary evil. Or try to atleast. I really do hope that when I finally bail out of this society of "ours" I will be able to leave a lot of this technological "bullshit" behind, I simply disapprove of it's existence.

So, what do I want? Do I want us to go back to the stone age, where we all sat around fires poking eachothers heads with sticks? Might've been fun, but no, I do believe that some inventions might be good, but 90-95% of all inventions are a waste of resources(and even disastrous), "crap" as we might call it, that we do not really need for our survival.

First off, we do not need cars, we do not need airplanes, we do not need ipods/phones, cellphones, comptures and such, yeah you get my picture. I mean, so much human skill is lost with all this technology. I remember when I was a kid I drew all the time, or wrote by hand, long letters to friends(or penpals as we called them back then ha ha) I had all over Sweden, I remember me and my friends we were outdoors, exploring the forests, building huts and such. And if we wanted to meet up with someone, we used a phone that was attached to the wall, called that person, decided on a place where and when to meet, and if someone was late, we waited.

Today, if we don't get a hold of a person withing the next 10 seconds we go crazy, almost insane. And what does kids today do,(not all, but many), they grow up infront of their computers, in a world that is becoming more and more superficial and artificial. We are letting ourselves become controlled by all this technology, we rely too much on it. This is not only stupefying, but also dangerous, not only to us, but also to our environment, nature, mother Earth. We loose ourselves this way.

But here comes another paradox of mine, technology when it comes to dental care and medical care can be good, since it saves lives, only wish it could've been cheaper, or even better, for free. Here we could easily fall into another subject, money, but I will leave that for another day...

Thinking and twisting.

So, i've talked a lot about freedom, reclaiming ones life and following ones dreams. But how do you achieve it? How do you really let go? What does it really mean? Is my way the solution for everyone?
First off: We all know when, how and if to let go. To break free.
All we have to do is to listen to ourselves, be honest with ourselves. Take a chance, a risk or two. And if someone tells you what you wish to do is impossible, or you feel that you can't do it in fear of what others might think, then screw them. It's your life, you make the decisions, not the people around you.
Ofcourse it won't come easy, you'll probably have to sacrifice quite a lot, and it might take some time before you finally reach your goal, but if you're persistent/stubborn enough, you'll be able to do it. There is nothing called "impossible". Never forget that our lives is one long learning process. If you hit a wall, or get knocked down, learn from it, get up and walk around it, or simply break it down. Mistakes are there to be learned from, same with hardships. It's called "life".

The key is to be open-minded.

Some of us end up alone along the way, friends disappear since they have no clue of what you're talking about when you try to explain to them what you're doing. Or they just refuse to listen.
Changing and pursuing ones dreams, and going on your path is not an easy decision. It's hard, mentally, but in the end it'll be worth it.
In my situation, these past 6-7 months since I decided to finally let go, I've come in contact with several people who are in the same situation. I've opened my eyes and finally seen who are truly my friends and who aren't. I've given up a lot, but i've also gained a lot. Insight, especially. I mean, when I decided to let go of everything, several new doors have opened up for me. I know what to do and how. The world is full of opportunities. Am I scared? Ofcourse i'm scared, I sit from time to time wondering what the hell i'm doing. But that's life.

Now i've started doing things I haven't done since I was a kid. I walk around in the forests where I currently live, I explore, I climb "mountains", or hills, I cross small rivers, even though I might end up soaking wet and covered in mud I laugh about it. Right now i'm even learning how to play the irish tin whistle. I'm doing things again. I'm learning things again. I'm starting to live again.
It feels so nice to finally breathe again. For several years I did nothing whatsoever. I didn't learn anything. I simply wasn't interested. I had a severe depression for years and years(I wasn't even aware of it, until in december 2009 when a "shrink" told me). I wasn't interested in my friends, nor were they interested in me. I did things by routine, I drank alcohol, went to punk rock shows or just stayed at home playing computer games, since that's what I knew. That was my false sense of security. And I hated it. Every second of it.

But now when i've started to live again, can't I just stick around? Still keep my job and perhaps find myself a suitable wife, learn how to drive, get a pet, a house of my own?
No, it doesn't work like that. When I finally get out of this, I cannot possibly come back, not in a very long time atleast. I simply don't want to. I don't want to live in this society. I want to follow the wind, bound by none or nothing. And I will do it, in a way i'm already there.
I'm reclaiming my life and i'm doing it for good.

There is no past, there is no future, there is only now.

Fear! Fear! Fear!

All our lives we run around being scared, frightened, spooked. Scared of being murdered, raped, mugged(robbed), physically abused, fooled, tricked, neglected, forgotten, hated, despised, hurt, laughed at, poor, homeless, jobless, childless, lonely. We are simply scared into oblivion, especially in this western society of "ours".
What we do not understand, we fear and alternatively hate. If we do not agree, we fear it and cast it aside. Change is fear. Life is fear. There is always someone out to hurt us. We cannot trust anyone.
That's what we are told atleast.
"Do not talk to strangers", "Do not pick up hitchhikers", "Do not recieve gifts from strangers". Does it ring a bell? Ofcourse it does. All our lives we've heard these phrases. And we have all learned on the TV via movies and the news what happens if we do break these "sacred" rules. This is propaganda, brainwashing. What they are basically saying is that we should all stick to ourselves, that your business is your business alone. This refrains us from helping eachother. We isolate ourselves even though we are surrounded by millions and millions of people who are in the same situation. We create security in gadgets. We're taught to do this from birth, because there is always an enemy, a murderer, a rapist etc.
When we're children there is the monster underneath the bed, in the closet, and the stranger lurking in the bushes. When we grow up there is the terrorist/freedomfighter, in the 50's it was the communist, there has always been a "boogey-man", wether it has been a "savage", a french, a german, a heathen, a christian, a muslim, an american, a north-korean, there is always someone, as we have been told, out to hurt us, to kill us, to take away everything that we hold dear.
And this mentality never lets go. It infects all "layers" of society, all subcultural groups use this fear to seal themselves off. There is always an "us and them". There is always someone to blame. To hate, to laugh at, to spit at, to despise and to fear. Your closest friend might be your next enemy.
This fear is not natural. It is created, we all know that. It is easier to control a bunch of sheep that is scared and crying for help, than to control a pack of wolves who are confident, secure and independent.
We are stripped of our confidence at birth, same with our independence. We are made scared so we have to depend on our governments, "our" society for safety and protection, and it's not even us it protects in the first place, it protects the elite from us. Holds us in place. With fear. And it works, astonishingly well. Everyone buys it.
They create the fear, the murderers, the rapists, the wars they so highly warn us of. They? Governments, religious institutions, multinational corporations, banks, capitalists in general to keep their interests running. The money must flow. Power must be maintained. And to be able to do what they want, even before our very own eyes, they create this fear to keep us in check. They create the problem and they offer a solution, for a price.

But, what if we one day would just let go of this fear? Opened up our eyes and realised that all this fear around us isn't real? Yes, there are murderers, rapists and robbers out there, but they themselves are created in a world that is not real. The world is upside down.There is no "us and them", there is only "us".
What if we one day would stop a stranger on the street and tell that stranger that we trust her/him? That we offer our help, in any way we can? What if we for once stopped complaining and just decided to walk out of the job we hate so much, to reclaim our lives? What if we one day pulled over and picked up that wet, hungry hitchhiker sitting by the road, even though he's male, shaggy and bearded? What if we just for once trusted our guts instead of the headlines? What if we for once took a last look at our apartments, our things, our gadgets, our cars, and just left, walking out into the wilderness, creating a whole new life for ourselves? What if we one day just decided to quit smoking, decided to quit drink alcohol, decided to quit using money?

What if we all would just let go? There are hundreds or thousands of people out there doing it right now, thousands more have already done it. People are slowly waking up.
Another way of life IS possible.

Resting my weary feet...

So, here I am, in München, Germany after having rushed through Austria and north eastern Italy in about a week. My feet feels like two clogs of lead and i've lost about 700 euro of income for taking a week off from work. But was it worth it? Hell yes! Every minute of it. I mean, i've hitchhiked, slept in the open beneath the stars, camped on a mountain, stayed for free in an austrian house in the alps and also hostels. Even though it has rained most of the time, leaving me soaking wet(the biggest reason to why I ended up on hostels, except for in Venice where it was more or less impossible to find a place to sleep outdoors, I mean the place is a rock, sorry, many rocks), sometimes I had to sit on my ass for countless hours along the road hoping to get picked up. But it was definitely worth it.
What I lost in material income, I have gained in personal experience and spirit. I've met the most amazing people throughout my speedy journey. Like on monday, I got picked up by this Austrian couple who drove me from Radstadt to Villach via the mountains. The trip ended up with them inviting me for a vegetarian dinner on an Italian restaurant just outside Villach before letting me go. And oh, they presumably have a place in India where they live from time to time and they invited me to come there, work a bit for some food and accomodation. So, India, here I come, presumably next year sometime. Not only that, we also shared an incredible conversation about life, hope and following ones dreams, wich has left me with a lot of insight and positive thoughts. And last night I met this japanese guy who had been travelling nonstop since 2007, he had been working and travelling New Zealand and Australia for three years to able to come here to europe. Haha, he had a male friend that he was gonna marry in Spain so that he could stay here(he wasn't gay, nor was his friend, but a fun and smart thing to do) for longer than 3 months. We also exchanged ideas and thoughts about travelling nonstop and it felt great meeting him. He also gave me a tip about an organic farm in Japan if I would ever go there. Hopefully one day I will.
What can I say so far? Venice was incredibly beautiful(but insanely expensive and tourists everywhere), but it doesn't beat the alps, oh my oh my, there we can talk about dropping jaws. It was the most impressive "thing" I have ever seen so far. Tomorrow I go back to Norway.

Can't wait to see what Africa will be like when I get there in august.