...out of the ashes...

We're all thinking of it. Most of the time we avoid talking about it. It scares us. It reeks of doom and death. The apocalypse. Cities laid in ruins, fires from the sky, the four horsemen riding across fields drenched in blood and decaying bodies. Seas poisoned, all life on earth extinguished, eternal darkness underneath a dead sun.
War. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

We've all seen the movies. The Road. 2012. Armageddon. Jericho. 28 days/weeks later. I Am Legend. The Mad Max trilogy and so on. Not to mention all the books on the subject. Most of those stories describing the apocalypse as a violent, deadly event. But also as an event filled with hope. A new beginning. A new dawn. Out of the ashes springs new life.
Some say it will be a shift of ages, as we currently are living in the age of Pisces and are supposedly entering the age of Aquarius around 2012, although some sources say we won't do that until yet another 100-500 years. Sources vary. They all do. This shift is supposed to awaken mankind. To bring an age of light and hope. An age of peace.

As the year 2012 is drawing nearer, the apocalyptic hysteria is growing by the day. Especially the stories that tells of our impending doom. Of our species extinction. The end of human civilization. The end of all life. The end of planet earth even. But why does it have to be and ending?
Is see it as a possible new beginning for mankind. A second chance. Do I believe in the apocalypse? Oh, yes.

We can all feel it, deep inside of us. Most of us are having a hard time seeing a future, especially in this so-called society of "ours, "our" civilization. Mother Earth is being ravaged, raped, drained and destroyed for minerals that creates the base of this society of "ours". A society we don't really need for our survival. Technologies which are supposed to make our lives easier, but are in truth only making us dumber, inhuman, deforming us, removing our basic skills of survival and adaption, our natural instincts. We are loosing contact with ourselves. Especially with nature. Unemployment is sky-high in third world countries where whole populations are starving to death, western countries are not far off. Overpopulation. Food shortages. Water shortages. Oil shortages. Pollution. War. Genocides. We are a disease to ourselves. To our planet. And still we are building more than ever. Digging, scraping the earth bare of its minerals. Killing species after species, poisoning the oceans. There is no future in this. We can all see that. It's not a matter of "if", but of "when".
How will this society, this civilization of man end? Through war? Through the awesome power and wrath of mother Earth? Or will it one day just cease to function? Alien invasion? We cannot possibly know. But we all know that this society, this civilization will end one day. Nothing lasts forever.
I believe we are in the middle of it. The Apocalypse. The civilization as we know it is crumbling on it's own foundations as we speak. I don't think it will be an instant event, but long and out-drawn. Numerous series of events which are currently taking place that will eventually lead us to our civilizations inevitable end. Note that I don't say our end, but the end of "our" civilization.

I do believe that whatever happens, mankind will survive. At a price. A very high price. I don't think I have to explain what that price really is do I?
What I'm thinking of is cities. I see them as living tombs. Cities of the dead. Necropolis. In my view, the only way for survival is to get out of the cities, out to the country-side, to the forests, the fields and the hills. If and when things go bad, and it will get bad, people living in cities are among the first to suffer. There is nothing prophetical about this, with a little common sense it's not hard to see or imagine. We will need to learn how to live with nature again. Build a new world for ourselves.

I do not view the apocalypse as a frightening event. I welcome it. It is exactly what we and mother Earth need in order to survive. It is not the end. It is a new beginning. A new dawn.

It is hope.

A life worth dying for.

Not even two months to go. Less then eight weeks left til I become free to follow the wind. Free as a bird. Free to decide the cycles of my life. Free from the chains of this society. Free from obligations. Free from stereotypical behavior. Free from arrogance. Free from ignorance. Free from my old self. Free to begin a new life.

Free.

In ways I have a hard time grasping it, sometimes it's as clear as a blue sky on a hot summer day. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall, questioning my own decisions and actions. I am throwing away everything that I have been brought up to believe to be safe and security. Job, home, friends, familiar surroundings, stereotypes, subcultural belonging, things, everything. I cannot fully explain how liberating it feels. To finally be in control of my own life. To follow my dreams. My hopes. Making them come true. To live my life as I've always wanted. To travel the world. As the nomad I have always been, craving to travel the world, gaining knowledge and experience.

When I look back at my life, what I have always viewed as twenty seven years of hell, it led me to this point. In a way preparing me. Gently kicking me in the teeth, telling me to let go.
I've always been a lonewolf, more or less, always drifting from place to place. Orphanage to foster home to juvenile institution, year after year, never more than two years at one place. A few months there, a year there and some random weeks or weekends there. Always moving, never still. And always on my own. Everyone I have truly loved have been taken away from me. Grandparents. Mom. Dad. Several friends. Dead and gone. I have no real family to speak of. No connections.
For years I hated my life, questioning it, constantly asking why I had to go through all those experiences. Why it happened to me. Why? why? Why? But now I don't ask why anymore. I know why now. It led me to this. I see that now, like reading chapters in a book, like following a thread. There's a quote by Bernice Johnson Reagon which describes what I mean pretty well: 

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

Am I scared? Of course I'm scared. Seriously, I'm leaving familiar ground here, jumping right out of a cliff, treading on thin ice. But I'm not letting it paralyze me, I see it as a challenge. For every time we overcome a fear, we grow as person, become stronger mentally. We realize that nothing is impossible. That's why I know I can do this. Break free from this society of "ours", become a nomad, a vagabond, free to roam the world.

I've paid a high price for this. I've gone through insane changes in my life. Still am.

I remember when I decided to go to Africa, it was about a year ago, and since then I've been working towards that goal, going through severe changes, physically, mentally and spiritually. Initially I had only planned to check out the South African punk rock scene for a month or two and then head back to Scandinavia, eventually even moving back to Sweden. But then I had my mental breakdown in december 2009 and everything changed. That breakdown told me to shape up and grab a hold of myself, take charge of my own life and follow my dreams. So here I am, planning to travel the world as cheaply as possible. I have no idea what awaits me and i'm leaving with an open mind. Will I move back to Scandinavia? Maybe, not this year though, perhaps not even in ten years. My dream is to travel as much as I can, to live life as fulfilling as I possibly can, to become happy. And who knows? One day I might find that "magical" place where I want to settle down. Where I can feel like home. I know I will. I've opened my mind to my surroundings, noticing all the people around me. I have let go of my stereotypical beliefs and narrow-minded views on the world. I've let go of all the hate I carried inside of me. I've let go of all my material belongings, except for what I can fit into a backpack. I have gone through what can be called a "cleansing".
In order to start anew, I must kill myself, my old way of life, and I have. I suppose most of you have heard Ozzy Osbourne singing the phrase: "Killing yourself to live"? He's not singing about suicide, he's singing about creating a new way of life, of breaking free, giving yourself a new chance to live life as life is meant to live. A cleansing.
And since I decided to start anew, i have met and come in contact with several people who are about to, who are or who have followed their own dreams, reclaimed their lives. Helping me gain insight and understanding of my own situation. Making me realise that I'm not alone on this. There are hundreds, if not thousands of us out there. Waking up and taking back control of our own lives.

Things are finally going my way. A few years back I had to kick down, or smash through one door at a time in order to get somewhere, since every door in front of me was firmly locked. But now I stand at a crossroads, with several doors wide open, all of them screaming at me to enter them.

A few years ago I feared the future, in fact, I saw no future at all.
I saw only darkness.
But now I see a future vibrant with possibilities. I look towards the future with hope, with great anticipation and with excitement. It might not make me rich and wealthy in the sense of money, but it will for sure give me the experience of a lifetime.

A life worth dying for!

A tale of acrophobia.

Saturday morning, may 29th.  A hotel in Stavanger, Norway. My job had arranged a trip for everyone at work who were interested in going, which included dinners, hiking in mountains, a boat-trip in a fjord. They paid for everything. Almost.
 I awoke in my bed at 6:30 a.m, nearly devastated from the lack of sleep. First off, I do not feel comfortable staying at hotels, mostly due to the fact that I am not used to staying at hotels, since in my eyes, it is something of a luxury. And secondly, the night had been very warm. I took a quick shower, went down to the third floor to grab myself some sort of breakfast before everyone were due to leave for Preikestolen(Pulpit Rock), a huge rock formation in the norwegian fjord of Lysefjorden.
As I arrived in the dining area I became very confused of the set up, the dining area was very big, and the area designated to get your breakfast, the buffet, was equally big and I found myself being lost a few times, scratching my head not knowing where to begin. Lost in the meaning of what food to start with, as there were lots and lots of it. Well, I managed to make myself some sandwiches and then everyone was off for the ferry that was to take us to the base of the mountain where the Pulpit Rock is located.

When I came to Stavanger with my work I had no idea what I was heading into. Yeah, I had seen the Pulpit Rock on pictures and figured it would be a pretty high climb, but easily accessible. Oh my, was I wrong.
Just want to inform you all that I am insanely scared of heights, suffering from a bad case of acrophobia.

Anyways, we arrived at the base of the mountain by bus after a short ferry-trip from Stavanger. I started following my fellow co-workers up the mountain and so far everything was fine. It had been raining the whole morning, but as soon as we all started to walk up the mountain, the sun showed it's face. After a few hundred meters along the path up I started having problems, the path was narrowing, it was getting steeper and steeper and I was desperately clinging to the inside of the path. But I kept my pace, walking upwards.

Every now and then I managed to forget about the height I was ascending and even managed to enjoy my surroundings. At times I stopped to admire the view, desperately holding on to a tree, or a branch or whatever I could find. Some of the views were spectacular to say the least. Just imagine yourself climbing up a hill and when you reach the summit of that hill you are met with a sight that more or less blow you away in sheer "epic-ness".

The path was not something one could call a "proper road", at some locations it included heavy climbing over boulders for about 50-100 metres upwards, pretty steep. Sometimes it was a wooden bridge going over a swamp, or a bog. Other times one were going through small areas of trees, jumping from rock to rock. But everywhere one was surrounded by this incredible landscape, rock formations that that clearly speak of eons in age, mist caressing the tops, trees located in areas one would thought to be impossible for life to grow.
During this climb, my fear was present, but I could control it, I simply looked somewhere else, and if there were enough ground to stand on, I managed to enjoy my surroundings.

But when we started coming close to the top, at about 600 metres, this doesn't sound like much, but for a person like me it is way too much(especially if you are standing at cliffs going straight down), I started loosing control. Me and a few other co-workers came to the lats patch before the top, which is a very, very, narrow path, 600 metres up in the air, you can see straight down. At some points there is cracks where the path stops and you have to hold on to chains bolted into the mountain which you hold onto as you jump to the next platform so to speak. At some spots the path was as narrows a as 1 meter or less, not kidding. My legs started to shake here, real bad. But lucky me I have such great co-workers who helped me and cheered me on so I continued. I couldn't back down, that was impossible for me.
But after an incredibly painful and shaky last walk I made it to the Pulpit Rock, this awesome rock formation which looks like it's carved out of the mountain, made for giants to stand on. Or sit.
Acrophobia is serious business. As is any phobia. My legs were turning into jelly, gravity wanted to pull me off the cliff to a painful death, which seemed inevitable. But I did manage to crawl out to the center to sit for a few minutes with my co-workers, drank some juice and then I went back to my "safety-spot" again. I was almost choking at this time. Had sever problems with breathing and I felt myself slipping more and more out of control until one of my co-workers suggested it was time to head down. If she hadn't I probably would've died there, become paralyzed and unable to move. That is what real fear does to us.
That's how terrifying the whole experience was to me. With some supportive help from a co-worker, I managed to slowly descend the Pulpit Rock, at least the path which is the highest and the narrowest, after that I regained control and were able to more or less run down the mountain.

 
This is me, clinging to the mountain-side.

Do I regret it? Oh, no. I'm happy I did it, considering my fear of heights, I've seen one of the most beautiful views of Norway. The only thing I felt when I had managed to climb down the mountain, was shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt because I hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as my co-workers had done, because I had been so terrified. I felt beaten, even though everyone told me how courageous I was, conquering one of my worst fears. But I didn't feel "worthy" of all that praise. I felt ashamed.

But why? Why did I feel shame and guilt? Now, today when I think of it I realise how foolish it was for me to feel that way. When I instead should feel pride and happiness for being able to spit one of my greatest fears in the face.

And I do.

"Hiraeth"

Ever had a feeling that no matter how many friends you're surrounded by, you are alone? When at a party or a dinner, you notice all your friends having a laugh, drinking, fighting over wich songs to put on, smiling at eachother. You notice their joy, but you cannot share it. Even though you smile back when a smile is directed towards you, or someone is cheering their beer at you, you cheer back. But there is no happiness in that smile of yours, no real joy in that cheer. You feel all alone, with your thoughts drifting away somewhere else, you know that there is something else out there, another place, another way of life. You have a constant feeling that all this is fake. Ever had that? Ofcourse you have.

Some people call this feeling a "quarter-crisis" or a "mid-crisis", when we start to ponder over the fact that we're growing old, we're about to die, we haven't achieved what we're supposed to, we have failed to answer the obligations of "our" society. You simply walk around with a feeling that everything around you is wrong. But you cannot really say what it is. More than often you might find yourself peering towards the distance, with a great longing in your heart, you want to do something, you feel that there is something else out there for you, but you can't let go. You can't leave. You'll lose friends, You'll lose your job, your home, your social security(if you're on the dole), you'll lose your "status", your band, your partner, your pet or whatever. There is always a reason not to let go.Why should you be unhappy? You've got your job, your stuff, your partner, your pet, your friends, your home. But still there is something that tells you that all this is wrong.
The ancient Celts(the Cymraeg/Welsh to be exact) call this feeling "hiraeth", it's more or less impossible to translate properly, but it kinda means that all humans have a deep longing for something, call it a sense of being homesick, but it's not even that, but something similar. We all feel that we have something else that we wish to do. That there is something else out there. Several ancient cultures, or mythologies call that feeling a "calling".

But in this society we can remedy this feeling. For a price ofcourse. If you ever have this "crisis" you can read books, or attend a course(or two) that will make you accept your situation for what it is, so you don't walk around having unrealistic dreams and hopes. We have psychologists("shrinks"), we have anti-depressives, we have alcohol and we have drugs. No need to "heed the call" so to speak when we've got all that to numben our "crisis".  I mean, we have obligations, things we have to do, we have to pay taxes, we have to work, we have to study, just imagine what would happen to this society if everyone would listen to their dreams and start reclaiming their lives? There is oil to be drilled, fish to be caught, forests to be cut down, wool to be collected, technology to be researched, money to be made. We have to get richer!

We have to make life more comfortable!

This society, in my opinion, is designed to make us forget who we really are. Trust me, and most of you out there knows this as well, we are not meant to live like this. All throughout human history, mankind has been wanderers, seekers, nomads exploring the earth. We have a free will of our own, minds to think with. But we are lead to believe that all we need in our lives is to be comfortable. Everything needs to be easy.
I mean, sure we can demonstrate on the streets, showing our contempt towards "our" governments, we can fight the police during riots. But at the end of the day, most people wanna be able to go home, to their TV's(so they can hopefully spot themselves on the news), their videogames, their computers, their sodas, their beers, their comfortable toilets, their pets, their plants, their ovens, their beds, their stuff, their stuff, their stuff. Why do you want a revolution when you still want to keep your comfortable life? Answer: We are literally brainwashed to act like this, no matter how free we claim to be. We have been brought up to think like this. That we need all that.
But we don't, deep inside we all feel it.

Do I have this feeling, this longing? This "hiraeth"?
Yes.
I've had it my whole life more or less. Sure, there have been periods when i've been able to forget about it, just living for the alcohol, not caring one bit about what was going on around me. At times, i've believed that if only I get that job, I will be able to live my life, I will be happy. Or if I get those record albums or those videogames. And it worked, for a short time. I was content and happy with my new stuff, my new job for about a month or two, sometimes it only took a few weeks. Then I would fall down on my butt again, thinking about my situation: "What the hell am I doing with my life, is this it?". But then I would find some other shiny thingie that would attract my eye, that could soothe this feeling for a moment. And I would go on like that, for years and years. But there was many a time when I could sit among my friends, drunk as I don't know what, not being able to share their happiness, not being able to share their laughs, not being able to enjoy the band that was playing on stage. Instead I could find myself gazing away at the distance with my thoughts, close to tears, knowing that there was something else out there, somewhere I had to be, that the life I was living was wrong, that everything around me was fake. I have always known. Even I started eating anti-depressives, thinking it would make my life better, and it did for a while, but I stopped eating them after a few months, for deep inside I know that it's not a solution. We have to open our eyes and live our lives. Alcohol, anti-depressives, drugs, tobacco, political ideologies, violence, artifical realities cannot save us or replace that feeling of longing that most of us have.

The lives most of us are living ARE FAKE.

Some of us can manage to supress this feeling pretty well and adjust themselves to living within this society of "ours". Work, eat, consume, get drunk, fuck, sleep, die. But for a price. Angst, depression, loneliness, hopelessness, forever wondering what's out there, fear, life-long medications, therapy and the list goes on and on and on.

Ever wondered why some people travel to India to "find themselves"? Ever wondered why some people decide to just "drop it all" and relocate themselves to the deep forests, to live in a cave? Ever wondered why some people one day leave everything to travel the world? Ever wondered why some people seem to have a certain "glow" in their eyes? Ever wondered why some people begin with spiritual "mumbo-jumbo", a.k.a paganism, bhuddism, shamanism, alternative religions or beliefs? Ever wondered why some people wishes to leave this society? Ever wondered why some people sneer or quietly grin at your political propaganda, or laugh in your face when you tell them that they have to do this and that?
Because they know. They know that all this around us is fake, that it is wrong. So they go out to pursue their dreams, no matter what the cost, and trust me, this society is designed so that if you do that, you are doomed to "fuck up". In this society you do not stray from the rest of the sheep without paying a high price. But these people don't care. They know that life is more than that. They know that taking risks, taking chances is part of life. Every hinder, every obstacle that stands in their way, will teach them something and they simply walk around it, climb over it, or smash right through it.
They have or are reclaiming their lives.

But what are we meant to do then? What is our "salvation"? Can we find it? Can we find life? Ofcourse we can, but we cannot find it in this society of "ours", where capitalism is the master.
I cannot tell you what we are meant to do or what you can do for yourself. Only you know what to do about your situation. Most of us know deep inside what we can do. But we must dare to let go. To let go of our prejudices, our fears, our brainwashed mentality that we "need" so much to survive. We need to let go of ourselves in order to become free, to become what we are. Humans.

Some cultures call this a "cleansing".

Reclaim your life and live, damn it, live!

Fear! Fear! Fear!

All our lives we run around being scared, frightened, spooked. Scared of being murdered, raped, mugged(robbed), physically abused, fooled, tricked, neglected, forgotten, hated, despised, hurt, laughed at, poor, homeless, jobless, childless, lonely. We are simply scared into oblivion, especially in this western society of "ours".
What we do not understand, we fear and alternatively hate. If we do not agree, we fear it and cast it aside. Change is fear. Life is fear. There is always someone out to hurt us. We cannot trust anyone.
That's what we are told atleast.
"Do not talk to strangers", "Do not pick up hitchhikers", "Do not recieve gifts from strangers". Does it ring a bell? Ofcourse it does. All our lives we've heard these phrases. And we have all learned on the TV via movies and the news what happens if we do break these "sacred" rules. This is propaganda, brainwashing. What they are basically saying is that we should all stick to ourselves, that your business is your business alone. This refrains us from helping eachother. We isolate ourselves even though we are surrounded by millions and millions of people who are in the same situation. We create security in gadgets. We're taught to do this from birth, because there is always an enemy, a murderer, a rapist etc.
When we're children there is the monster underneath the bed, in the closet, and the stranger lurking in the bushes. When we grow up there is the terrorist/freedomfighter, in the 50's it was the communist, there has always been a "boogey-man", wether it has been a "savage", a french, a german, a heathen, a christian, a muslim, an american, a north-korean, there is always someone, as we have been told, out to hurt us, to kill us, to take away everything that we hold dear.
And this mentality never lets go. It infects all "layers" of society, all subcultural groups use this fear to seal themselves off. There is always an "us and them". There is always someone to blame. To hate, to laugh at, to spit at, to despise and to fear. Your closest friend might be your next enemy.
This fear is not natural. It is created, we all know that. It is easier to control a bunch of sheep that is scared and crying for help, than to control a pack of wolves who are confident, secure and independent.
We are stripped of our confidence at birth, same with our independence. We are made scared so we have to depend on our governments, "our" society for safety and protection, and it's not even us it protects in the first place, it protects the elite from us. Holds us in place. With fear. And it works, astonishingly well. Everyone buys it.
They create the fear, the murderers, the rapists, the wars they so highly warn us of. They? Governments, religious institutions, multinational corporations, banks, capitalists in general to keep their interests running. The money must flow. Power must be maintained. And to be able to do what they want, even before our very own eyes, they create this fear to keep us in check. They create the problem and they offer a solution, for a price.

But, what if we one day would just let go of this fear? Opened up our eyes and realised that all this fear around us isn't real? Yes, there are murderers, rapists and robbers out there, but they themselves are created in a world that is not real. The world is upside down.There is no "us and them", there is only "us".
What if we one day would stop a stranger on the street and tell that stranger that we trust her/him? That we offer our help, in any way we can? What if we for once stopped complaining and just decided to walk out of the job we hate so much, to reclaim our lives? What if we one day pulled over and picked up that wet, hungry hitchhiker sitting by the road, even though he's male, shaggy and bearded? What if we just for once trusted our guts instead of the headlines? What if we for once took a last look at our apartments, our things, our gadgets, our cars, and just left, walking out into the wilderness, creating a whole new life for ourselves? What if we one day just decided to quit smoking, decided to quit drink alcohol, decided to quit using money?

What if we all would just let go? There are hundreds or thousands of people out there doing it right now, thousands more have already done it. People are slowly waking up.
Another way of life IS possible.