"I have a dream...Save the Black Pearl!"

I have a dream. And an idea. Not sure if it will work, but i'm gonna try and I need your help for it to work.

Thing is; me and my girlfriend bought ourselvers a van like six months ago. An old camper van from 1980 so it's tax free (atleast in Sweden), it was a bit worn out but we patched it up good. Even bought it a new pair of tyres. We found out that one of the previous owners had named her "The Black Pearl", or "Svarta Pärlan" in swedish. We've kept that name. So far everything was great. I've been dreaming about having a van for years and so have my girlfriend. I even managed to take my driving license after we bought the Pearl. We  painted her (yes, we call the van "her") on the inside and made great plans of where to go, what do to.

So one beautiful october morning, about a week after I got my driving license, I decided to take the Pearl out for a ride for about a week, to see what it would be like. I had a great week, met lots of old friends and slept like a baby in the back. We had found a bed-frame, that fit perfectly inside the van, at a freeshop in the village where we currently live.

One thing I discovered during this week was that the Pearl is a heavy drinker. She drinks gasoline like a drunk drinks free beer on judgement day. Seriously, i'm not joking. This insight is a major setback for us.
Gasoline in Europe is insanely expensive at the moment and we're not gonna last long on the road the way the Pearl handles her gasoline today. What we could do though, is to switch out her 34 year old engine for a newer one that drinks less gasoline. Preferrably one that slurps diesel as it is more energy-efficient and thus lasts longer. Now we come to the real issue: money. There is none to be had and it costs a lot of money to switch engine. I'm a student at the moment, gonna study the upcoming six months to become a writer. I do know how to write, I just need to get some more weight and confidence under my belt since I would want to make a living out of it in the future. Plus I get to stay at home since it's a distance course. Anyway, I do not get much cash from this and my girlfriend is unemployed at the moment. It's quite difficult to get a job in Sweden these days. I'm sure you understand where i'm getting at, don't you? Please stay, and hear me out.

We were planning to live in the bus and travel for a very, very long time. Going from place to place, selling stuff we've made so we could get money for gas and go to the next place and so on until we find a place where we could settle down for good. The van is perfect, we've spent a lot of money already to patch her up to her current state.

The Black Pearl chilling in front of the place where we lived during the summer of 2013.

Now we've arrived to what I really want. We need help to raise enough money so we could switch engine. I know most of you will frown upon this, but i'm really desperate. The other option would be to let her go, sell her, but then we'd lose everything we've worked so hard for, our dreams. I need help, feedback on what we could do in exchange for your possible contribution. There are many people out there, travelling for what it's worth, making money through charity and fundraising-sites. Only they've stolen the best ideas. Or have they?

I'm not asking for much. Anything would help. Be it 5 cent or a million dollars/euros it would be great. But i'd be willing do something fun in return. To give something back. Like a challenge: "plant a tree in every tenth city you go through" or home-made bracelets or whatever. Perhaps even come by your house and help with your garden or clean or whatever if it's on the way. Our current plans is to get to Spain in may/june. If you have any great ideas on what we could do, please tell us.

If you would like to help us, it would be amazing. If so, please check out this website: (It's called "Save the Black Pearl")  http://www.gofundme.com/black-pearl

Many thanks in advance //
Mattias

Thoughts, introspection and recollections.

This is the third time i'm trying to write something down in here, it's been quite a while since I updated this blog.

Well, i'm back from Africa. Came back at the end of february and I don't really know what to think of it to be honest. In some ways it feels great and in other ways it just feels...weird.
Maybe it is because here in Sweden i'm confronted with everyday life in a different way compared to how I was living in Africa. Or maybe it's the mentality here in Europe that bothers me, where people stab eachother in the back more often than I change my socks. At first it was the cold weather, it was terrible. But now as spring approaches and the sun is coming forth it's not so bad anymore.
But yes I managed to travel through southern Africa, working on farms for food and accommodation, hitchhiking, taking buses and trains. South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi, Tanzania and Kenya. Nearly seven months on that crazy, beautiful continent. I laughed, I got mad, I experienced and I lived. Yes, things didn't really turn out as I had hoped for, but everything happens for a reason. I got homesick after a few months and decided to do something about it and flew back to Sweden  from Kenya. Do I regret it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. What I miss the most is the warmth, not only the weather but also the warmth of the people in Africa. Things work differently in Africa that cannot be explained to people here in Europe that hasn't experienced it themselves. You can't put it in words, but it IS a completeley different world and a different way of thinking. A more natural and down-to-earth way of thinking, which is based on "the now". Everything works but in the same time it doesn't. It's a charm which cannot be found here in western civilization. One thing that i've brought with me from Africa is the fact that I simply can't take people here in Europe seriously anymore. We all have our problems, but many problems are quite small and ridicilous compared to the problems people face in Africa every single day. I mean, when you see people(and yes folks, even kids) living in mud huts, with barely any clothes on their back, no electricity and they're still happy it makes you think. Quite a bit. Sure, people shouted "give me money" almost everytime they saw this particular mzungu(white person) and sometimes it was heartbreaking(especially when small kids came up to you and the only thing they could say in english was that phrase) and sometimes it was frustrating, but I understand them, I would do the same if I was walking in their shoes. I got ripped off quite a few times, but it's not surprising since travelling white people usually means big business in Africa. Not all people will rip you off or beg money from you, but a lot of people will try, especially in the middle of Africa. Some people were blatantly honest about it, others were more careful about their intentions. And loads of people just wanted to help you out, to show the true face of Africa. I got a lot of help during my travels and still to this day i'm quite amazed and proud that I managed to travel more than 6000 kilometres by myself and nothing bad happened. People helped me with places to stay or pulled over and offered me a ride as I was walking towards a particular highway to get somewhere. Some people even wanted to share their food with me even though they had nothing themselves! That's Africa. that's humanity.

So what now? What's my next big plan? My next big adventure? Well, for a while I thought that i'd head off to Canada(one day I will though, been wanting to go there since I was a kid), besides that I didn't really know what to do. It's been really confusing coming back to this stale, two-faced  society. But, as I've said many times before, everything happens for a reason. A friend of mine offered me the chance to rent a small plot of land with him to grow vegetables and medical herbs, something i've dreamed of doing while working my ass off on those organic farms in Africa. So, I've decided to stay, for a while atleast, to work on the land, to be happily in love for the first time since I don't know when. I'm still drifting, mostly between Gothenburg and Malmö(sometimes I even have the luxury of sleeping in a bed), living out of my backpack. I'm even gonna get myself a driving license with the hopes of one day owning a small bus or van where I can live and roam the world as I please. Getting a dog is also planned for. Since i'm gonna stay i'm also thinking of staying in one place permanently for a while. A home.
Things change all the time, in some ways for the bad, but in my case the changes has been for the good and i'm eternally grateful for these events. I truly believe that every misfortune in life is a lesson and that every fortune in life is a result of that lesson being learned. I also believe that if you ask for something in life and truly believe in it, you will recieve it. Why not? Everything i've done the past year or so has been mind-breaking for a person like me, having the history that I do. I've never had nothing. Foster homes, juvenile homes and orphanages was the way I grew up. Angst, depression, drinking and drugs became my reality for far too many years. I've been through hell more times than I can count. But I realised one day that if I don't change and follow my heart, my dreams, I can just as well kill myself since I hated my life at that time. I did that change and it cost me dearly, but I'm happy I went through with it. Today, I can stand firmly on the ground saying:
"I'm free, I'm alive".

Life IS what you make of it.

What exit!?

"It IS possible to get out of a trap. However, in order to break out of a prison, one first must confess to being in a prison. The trap is wo/man's emotional structure, her/his character structure. There is little use in devising systems of thought about the nature of the trap if the only thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to know the trap and to find the exit. Everything else is utterly useless: Singing hymns about the suffering in the trap, as the enslaved Negro does; or making poems about the beauty of freedom outside of the trap, dreamed of within the trap; or promising a life outside the trap after death, as Catholicism promises its congregations; or confessing a semper ignorabimus as do the resigned philosophers; or building a philosophic system around the despair of life within the trap, as did Schopenhauer; or dreaming up a superman who would be so much different from the man in the trap, as Nietzsche did, until, trapped in a lunatic asylum, he wrote, finally, the full truth about himself—too late. . . .

The first thing to do is to find the exit out of the trap. The nature of the trap has no interest whatsoever beyond this one crucial point: WHERE IS THE EXIT OUT OF THE TRAP?

One can decorate a trap to make life more comfortable in it. This is done by the Michelangelos and the Shakespeares and the Goethes. One can invent makeshift contraptions to secure longer life in the trap. This is done by the great scientists and physicians, the Meyers and the Pasteurs and the Flemings. One can devise great art in healing broken bones when one falls into the trap.


The crucial point still is and remains: to find the exit out of the trap. WHERE IS THE EXIT INTO THE ENDLESS OPEN SPACE?


The exit remains hidden. It is the greatest riddle of all. The most ridiculous as well as tragic thing is this:
THE EXIT IS CLEARLY VISIBLE TO ALL TRAPPED IN THE HOLE. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO SEE IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE THE EXIT IS. YET NOBODY SEEMS TO MAKE A MOVE TOWARD IT. MORE: WHOEVER MOVES TOWARD THE EXIT, OR WHOEVER POINTS TOWARD IT IS DECLARED CRAZY OR A CRIMINAL OR A SINNER TO BURN IN HELL.

It turns out that the trouble is not with the trap or even with finding the exit. The trouble is WITHIN THE TRAPPED ONES.

All this is, seen from outside the trap, incomprehensible to a simple mind. It is even somehow insane. Why don't they see and move toward the clearly visible exit? As soon as they get close to the exit they start screaming and run away from it. As soon as anyone among them tries to get out, they kill her/him. Only a very few slip out of the trap in the dark night when everybody is asleep."

from The Murder of Christ, (1953) by Wilhelm Reich.

"Crazy eyes"

You've seen us on the streets. You've passed us on a busy sidewalk during rush hour. You've shared an elevator with one of us. You've passed one or several of us on a dusty country road. You've seen us on your television when you come home from work, school or the unemployment office. You've shared a dance floor with one or several of us. You've read about some of our actions or deeds  in the newspapers.
You have undoubtedly seen us. You undoubtedly know of our existence. You do your very best denying the fact that we do exist. The governments and "our" society are doing their best to help you ignore our existence.
You know we are out there. Roaming the world. Living our lives. Reclaiming every second that is rightfully ours.

You have seen the light in our eyes. You have noticed the fire burning within us. You have heard our cries of freedom. You have noticed we thrive in excitement. You have noticed our impulsive behaviour. You know we are out of control. You have noticed us taking risks, chances that you would never even think of. You have heard our stories. Stories of survival. Stories of pain and grief. Stories of courage. Stories of adventure. Stories of joy and happiness. Stories of myth and legends. We are many. We have existed since the dawn of mankind.

You have seen us turn the streets into dance floors. You have seen us on the burning barricades of a riot. You have seen us establish self-sustainable villages out in the wilderness. You have seen us walking towards the sunset, travelling like nomads. You have heard our laughter in the distance. You have seen us walking out of our jobs in anger. You have seen us fight for our lives in wars and rebellions. You have seen us survive. You have seen us die. You have seen our "crazy eyes", sharp and filled with life, vivid. We have scared you, made you feel uncomfortable. We have made you feel safe.

Many have recognised us and are trying their best to resemble us. They want to be like us. They buy clothes to dress as something what they believe to be us. They buy records as they believe music is what represents what we stand for. They buy items, they consume for they believe that in that way they can become us. They buy to pretend. All the while they despise us for we do not seek recognition, we do not seek fame, we do not seek wealth. But these pretenders do.

No matter in what situation you might find us in, you know we are there. You know we exist.
We have been called or called ourselves many things. Punk rockers(or any other subcultural group). Squatters. Anarchists(or any other political ideology). Free spirits. Nomads. Travellers. Liberation fighters. Terrorists. Activists. Freaks. Outcasts. Homeless. Misunderstood. Misfits. Insane. Explorers. Adventurers. Healers. Warriors. Leaders. Scavengers. Looters. Hermits. We do not belong to any political organization or subcultural group. No way is the right way. No truth is the one truth. No moral is the correct and ethical moral.
What we truly are is as obvious as the rising sun:

We are humans.

Come join us.
There is no fee, no payments, no mortgages, no rent, no jobs,  no bosses, no obligations, no fear, no political agenda, no organizations, no rules, no laws, no morals, no religions, no bills, no taxes, no borders, no countries, no visas, no money, no demands, no consumerism, no capitalism, no racism, no government. All you need is to believe in yourself. You need to believe in your right to live your life as you see fit, but not on the expense of others. It is possible, all you have to do is to open your eyes and let go. Let go of everything that holds you down.
Let go.

Live your life.

A life worth dying for.

Not even two months to go. Less then eight weeks left til I become free to follow the wind. Free as a bird. Free to decide the cycles of my life. Free from the chains of this society. Free from obligations. Free from stereotypical behavior. Free from arrogance. Free from ignorance. Free from my old self. Free to begin a new life.

Free.

In ways I have a hard time grasping it, sometimes it's as clear as a blue sky on a hot summer day. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall, questioning my own decisions and actions. I am throwing away everything that I have been brought up to believe to be safe and security. Job, home, friends, familiar surroundings, stereotypes, subcultural belonging, things, everything. I cannot fully explain how liberating it feels. To finally be in control of my own life. To follow my dreams. My hopes. Making them come true. To live my life as I've always wanted. To travel the world. As the nomad I have always been, craving to travel the world, gaining knowledge and experience.

When I look back at my life, what I have always viewed as twenty seven years of hell, it led me to this point. In a way preparing me. Gently kicking me in the teeth, telling me to let go.
I've always been a lonewolf, more or less, always drifting from place to place. Orphanage to foster home to juvenile institution, year after year, never more than two years at one place. A few months there, a year there and some random weeks or weekends there. Always moving, never still. And always on my own. Everyone I have truly loved have been taken away from me. Grandparents. Mom. Dad. Several friends. Dead and gone. I have no real family to speak of. No connections.
For years I hated my life, questioning it, constantly asking why I had to go through all those experiences. Why it happened to me. Why? why? Why? But now I don't ask why anymore. I know why now. It led me to this. I see that now, like reading chapters in a book, like following a thread. There's a quote by Bernice Johnson Reagon which describes what I mean pretty well: 

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

Am I scared? Of course I'm scared. Seriously, I'm leaving familiar ground here, jumping right out of a cliff, treading on thin ice. But I'm not letting it paralyze me, I see it as a challenge. For every time we overcome a fear, we grow as person, become stronger mentally. We realize that nothing is impossible. That's why I know I can do this. Break free from this society of "ours", become a nomad, a vagabond, free to roam the world.

I've paid a high price for this. I've gone through insane changes in my life. Still am.

I remember when I decided to go to Africa, it was about a year ago, and since then I've been working towards that goal, going through severe changes, physically, mentally and spiritually. Initially I had only planned to check out the South African punk rock scene for a month or two and then head back to Scandinavia, eventually even moving back to Sweden. But then I had my mental breakdown in december 2009 and everything changed. That breakdown told me to shape up and grab a hold of myself, take charge of my own life and follow my dreams. So here I am, planning to travel the world as cheaply as possible. I have no idea what awaits me and i'm leaving with an open mind. Will I move back to Scandinavia? Maybe, not this year though, perhaps not even in ten years. My dream is to travel as much as I can, to live life as fulfilling as I possibly can, to become happy. And who knows? One day I might find that "magical" place where I want to settle down. Where I can feel like home. I know I will. I've opened my mind to my surroundings, noticing all the people around me. I have let go of my stereotypical beliefs and narrow-minded views on the world. I've let go of all the hate I carried inside of me. I've let go of all my material belongings, except for what I can fit into a backpack. I have gone through what can be called a "cleansing".
In order to start anew, I must kill myself, my old way of life, and I have. I suppose most of you have heard Ozzy Osbourne singing the phrase: "Killing yourself to live"? He's not singing about suicide, he's singing about creating a new way of life, of breaking free, giving yourself a new chance to live life as life is meant to live. A cleansing.
And since I decided to start anew, i have met and come in contact with several people who are about to, who are or who have followed their own dreams, reclaimed their lives. Helping me gain insight and understanding of my own situation. Making me realise that I'm not alone on this. There are hundreds, if not thousands of us out there. Waking up and taking back control of our own lives.

Things are finally going my way. A few years back I had to kick down, or smash through one door at a time in order to get somewhere, since every door in front of me was firmly locked. But now I stand at a crossroads, with several doors wide open, all of them screaming at me to enter them.

A few years ago I feared the future, in fact, I saw no future at all.
I saw only darkness.
But now I see a future vibrant with possibilities. I look towards the future with hope, with great anticipation and with excitement. It might not make me rich and wealthy in the sense of money, but it will for sure give me the experience of a lifetime.

A life worth dying for!

The water of life!

First off, a word of warning! This article is about alcohol, in the negative sense of the word. I will not preach what you should do or not do, nor will I patronize people who choose to drink alcohol. This is just my view of the consumption, not the alcohol itself. If you still want to continue reading, then please enjoy. Otherwise, thank you for your time. Why do I warn about this? Well, alcohol today, in certain areas, is a very sensitive subject to discuss. This article is a personal opinion of mine. I do not claim to speak for everyone in "our" society or the world.

Just imagine yourself coming home from work, you can finally relax in front of your TV with a newly opened cold beer in your hand. Or a couple of friends wants to meet up at the local pub.  Another friend needs a shoulder to cry on, to talk a bit, over a glass of wine or a beer.
When you hear the words summer or spring, what is the first thing you think about?  
A: Green grass? A warm sun? Naked bodies? Riding a bicycle? Taking a walk in a park? Ice cream?
B: Alcohol? Sinking a  few beers in your favourite park? Opening a bottle of wine in the sunset? Being able to sit outside the pub?
My bet is that most of you out there would think of the B-options. And why not? Alcohol makes us feel relaxed, feel comfortable in a world that is nothing but stress(almost on the verge of being chaotic). Alcohol takes away the pain one feels after a hard day at work(or the dole office). Alcohol is a good excuse to meet up with old friends, or friends overall. Alcohol is the perfect ice-breaker. And a match-maker in love. Alcohol makes us more confident and secure. Alcohol makes mourning a walk in the park. Alcohol improves your intellect. Alcohol makes us feel free. Alcohol makes us feel at home wherever we might end up. Alcohol makes us forget things we'd rather not remember. Alcohol is fun, fun, fun, fun! Alcohol is life!

Did any of you see what was wrong in what I wrote above? Nothing at all? Alright, no worries, it might come to you sooner or later. Hopefully. If you did manage to see what was wrong with the above, I suggest that you continue reading.

Our lives revolves around alcohol. We depend on it to function "normally" in this western society of "ours". It is our protection against a reality that is slowly tearing us apart. Tearing our minds and bodies asunder. It functions as an anchor.
How free are we if we can't socialize without alcohol? Is it really living, ending up on the pub every weekend(for some people everyday), you meet the same people, you hear the same stories(which may contain drama, lies, bullshit, paranoia), you drink the same beers/drinks, you throw away not only your money, but also your mental and physical health. How is it that when we want to "stress down" after a hard day, we drink a beer? Or a drink? How can things have gotten this far, this wrong, without us even noticing it? Right in front of our very own eyes!

What am I talking about? Well, think about it, alcohol is everywhere today, we are almost bathing in it. To drink alcohol regularly is considered to be normal today, it's almost mandatory. In those rare cases when someone chooses to not drink alcohol, this is more than often frowned upon and questioned, not supported. We have no idea how to behave when "sober people" are around. We become insanely nervous in their presence and decide that there is something wrong with them, for not wanting to drink alcohol.
At the same time we frown upon those who consume too much, those who become alcoholics.
But still, alcohol is related to almost everything we do. If we hang out with friends, we drink alcohol. If we want to celebrate something, we drink alcohol. If we are in a good mood, we drink alcohol. If we are depressed, we drink alcohol. Yeah, you get the picture. Alcohol is our lives, alcohol is controlling our lives.
Alcohol is not freedom.

How did we end up like this? About a hundred years ago(or more), for most people, alcohol was still something of a luxury. I mean, most people couldn't afford to drink as much as we do today. Alcohol was not as abundant as it is today. Human kind survived about 190,000 years without alcohol! Alcohol is still new to us.
How did this happen? How come today there is alcohol available everywhere, alcohol is one of the biggest businesses around the world, except for weapons, drugs, porn and food.
Those of you who are familiar with the genocide of many of the native american tribes can probably figure out what is going on, how it came to this. As I mentioned in a previous article, fear is constructed in order to control us, well, alcohol is one of their("our" governments) "solutions" to that fear. Not only is it a solution, but as with the case with money, it helps to keep us in order. "In order? Sometimes when we get drunk we go nuts!?" Well, like I wrote above, we associate almost everything with alcohol, we see it as part of our "spare time", as something to look forward to, something that helps us.  As long as we are focused on getting drunk, or "buzzed" we are harmless, passive.
The european settlers traded the native americans alcohol for valuable resources, sometimes they were forced under gunpoint to accept the alcohol, if not, there was no trade. The europeans "bought" land with alcohol under treaties which they later broke. Alcohol corrupted and destroyed countless cultures and tribes. Not only in North America, but also in South/Latin America, Africa, Asia and Polynesia(Australia and NZ included).

"As soon as the liquor trade began, colonists came to believe that it created havoc in Native communities. They were right. Indigenous and colonial observers reported that Native Americans who consumed alcohol did so only to become intoxicated. Those who became drunk fought with each other and with members of their families; they eroded the civility that normally characterized relations in indigenous communities. They fell into fires or off cliffs or drowned, and they at times murdered others, thereby opening raw wounds that communities struggled to heal."  Source can be found here.

This still goes on today, all over the world. The governments of this planet trade our freedom for alcohol. We don't have to be loyal to "our" governments, I mean, as long as we keep sucking on the bottle we have other things to think about. They have nothing to fear from us! With alcohol, we fight each other instead.
Our hate, our paranoia, our stress, our pain, our angst, our true freedom, our lives, our love is acted out via alcohol and directed towards each other. We meet many of our partners and friends while being drunk, or "buzzed". We get in most fights while being drunk. We choose to solve our personal dilemmas and issues while being drunk, making the situation(s) even worse for ourselves. We ARE alcohol!

Alright, gonna slow down a bit here. Alcohol is not the demon here, it is the consumption. We are taught our whole lives that drinking is a way of life. When we are teenagers we long for the day when we can drink alcohol legally, as if it were some "rite of adulthood" or a "passage to life".  Alcohol is everywhere. Even among those scenes(subcultures) that claim themselves to be free and independent is depending on alcohol. In some of those scenes it is considered "cool" to be drunk most of your waking time.
But yes of course, alcohol has been part of human history. But not like this.

In the old days(way back), alcohol was something of a luxury. And it was only consumed during a special holiday, or a celebration of some sort. A victory(in war), a birth, holy rites, the coming of  a season or a marriage. We can almost say that it was rare to drink alcohol in the old days. You didn't drink alcohol to have something to do, as we do today. In some(few) cultures, still today, alcohol is more or less non-existent.
We don't have to drink alcohol to survive. We don't even have to stop drinking alcohol. But we can stop drinking it the way we do today. In "our" society. Alcohol is not a solution for our problems, quite the opposite. Alcohol will never set us free, it will only strengthen the leash.
I'm not saying that we all should quit drinking, even though I can admit that it would've been for the best, I'm saying that we should pause for a minute and reflect on the impact alcohol has on our lives.
Everything we do, is connected to alcohol.

And me? I don't drink alcohol anymore. Sure, I can have one beer, perhaps two or three, but that's it. Only on special occasions, extremely rare. I am still trying to learn how to socialize without alcohol, and trust me, it is hard. Especially for someone who has grown up using alcohol as an excuse to meet people, or seen alcohol as a part of life. I have nothing against the alcohol per se, it's the consumption I have a problem with. Many of us have parents who are alcoholics, my mom was an alcoholic. She died when I was 14. And then we have the matter of friends. For several years I drank alcohol only to hang out with people, to have "fun". But in reality, I never had fun, I only became more and more depressed. As long as we drink alcohol we have tons of friends, right?  Drinking-buddies. In most cases we don't even have anything in common with each other, except for alcohol and perhaps music. But very few or no real ones. Oh, wanna loose friends? Try quit drinking for a while, it's quite amazing to see how quick about 98% of your "friends" disappear. "Bham!" Just like that. Works every time. I've tried it twice.

We are better than this.
We deserve better.

Just give it a thought.

"Hiraeth"

Ever had a feeling that no matter how many friends you're surrounded by, you are alone? When at a party or a dinner, you notice all your friends having a laugh, drinking, fighting over wich songs to put on, smiling at eachother. You notice their joy, but you cannot share it. Even though you smile back when a smile is directed towards you, or someone is cheering their beer at you, you cheer back. But there is no happiness in that smile of yours, no real joy in that cheer. You feel all alone, with your thoughts drifting away somewhere else, you know that there is something else out there, another place, another way of life. You have a constant feeling that all this is fake. Ever had that? Ofcourse you have.

Some people call this feeling a "quarter-crisis" or a "mid-crisis", when we start to ponder over the fact that we're growing old, we're about to die, we haven't achieved what we're supposed to, we have failed to answer the obligations of "our" society. You simply walk around with a feeling that everything around you is wrong. But you cannot really say what it is. More than often you might find yourself peering towards the distance, with a great longing in your heart, you want to do something, you feel that there is something else out there for you, but you can't let go. You can't leave. You'll lose friends, You'll lose your job, your home, your social security(if you're on the dole), you'll lose your "status", your band, your partner, your pet or whatever. There is always a reason not to let go.Why should you be unhappy? You've got your job, your stuff, your partner, your pet, your friends, your home. But still there is something that tells you that all this is wrong.
The ancient Celts(the Cymraeg/Welsh to be exact) call this feeling "hiraeth", it's more or less impossible to translate properly, but it kinda means that all humans have a deep longing for something, call it a sense of being homesick, but it's not even that, but something similar. We all feel that we have something else that we wish to do. That there is something else out there. Several ancient cultures, or mythologies call that feeling a "calling".

But in this society we can remedy this feeling. For a price ofcourse. If you ever have this "crisis" you can read books, or attend a course(or two) that will make you accept your situation for what it is, so you don't walk around having unrealistic dreams and hopes. We have psychologists("shrinks"), we have anti-depressives, we have alcohol and we have drugs. No need to "heed the call" so to speak when we've got all that to numben our "crisis".  I mean, we have obligations, things we have to do, we have to pay taxes, we have to work, we have to study, just imagine what would happen to this society if everyone would listen to their dreams and start reclaiming their lives? There is oil to be drilled, fish to be caught, forests to be cut down, wool to be collected, technology to be researched, money to be made. We have to get richer!

We have to make life more comfortable!

This society, in my opinion, is designed to make us forget who we really are. Trust me, and most of you out there knows this as well, we are not meant to live like this. All throughout human history, mankind has been wanderers, seekers, nomads exploring the earth. We have a free will of our own, minds to think with. But we are lead to believe that all we need in our lives is to be comfortable. Everything needs to be easy.
I mean, sure we can demonstrate on the streets, showing our contempt towards "our" governments, we can fight the police during riots. But at the end of the day, most people wanna be able to go home, to their TV's(so they can hopefully spot themselves on the news), their videogames, their computers, their sodas, their beers, their comfortable toilets, their pets, their plants, their ovens, their beds, their stuff, their stuff, their stuff. Why do you want a revolution when you still want to keep your comfortable life? Answer: We are literally brainwashed to act like this, no matter how free we claim to be. We have been brought up to think like this. That we need all that.
But we don't, deep inside we all feel it.

Do I have this feeling, this longing? This "hiraeth"?
Yes.
I've had it my whole life more or less. Sure, there have been periods when i've been able to forget about it, just living for the alcohol, not caring one bit about what was going on around me. At times, i've believed that if only I get that job, I will be able to live my life, I will be happy. Or if I get those record albums or those videogames. And it worked, for a short time. I was content and happy with my new stuff, my new job for about a month or two, sometimes it only took a few weeks. Then I would fall down on my butt again, thinking about my situation: "What the hell am I doing with my life, is this it?". But then I would find some other shiny thingie that would attract my eye, that could soothe this feeling for a moment. And I would go on like that, for years and years. But there was many a time when I could sit among my friends, drunk as I don't know what, not being able to share their happiness, not being able to share their laughs, not being able to enjoy the band that was playing on stage. Instead I could find myself gazing away at the distance with my thoughts, close to tears, knowing that there was something else out there, somewhere I had to be, that the life I was living was wrong, that everything around me was fake. I have always known. Even I started eating anti-depressives, thinking it would make my life better, and it did for a while, but I stopped eating them after a few months, for deep inside I know that it's not a solution. We have to open our eyes and live our lives. Alcohol, anti-depressives, drugs, tobacco, political ideologies, violence, artifical realities cannot save us or replace that feeling of longing that most of us have.

The lives most of us are living ARE FAKE.

Some of us can manage to supress this feeling pretty well and adjust themselves to living within this society of "ours". Work, eat, consume, get drunk, fuck, sleep, die. But for a price. Angst, depression, loneliness, hopelessness, forever wondering what's out there, fear, life-long medications, therapy and the list goes on and on and on.

Ever wondered why some people travel to India to "find themselves"? Ever wondered why some people decide to just "drop it all" and relocate themselves to the deep forests, to live in a cave? Ever wondered why some people one day leave everything to travel the world? Ever wondered why some people seem to have a certain "glow" in their eyes? Ever wondered why some people begin with spiritual "mumbo-jumbo", a.k.a paganism, bhuddism, shamanism, alternative religions or beliefs? Ever wondered why some people wishes to leave this society? Ever wondered why some people sneer or quietly grin at your political propaganda, or laugh in your face when you tell them that they have to do this and that?
Because they know. They know that all this around us is fake, that it is wrong. So they go out to pursue their dreams, no matter what the cost, and trust me, this society is designed so that if you do that, you are doomed to "fuck up". In this society you do not stray from the rest of the sheep without paying a high price. But these people don't care. They know that life is more than that. They know that taking risks, taking chances is part of life. Every hinder, every obstacle that stands in their way, will teach them something and they simply walk around it, climb over it, or smash right through it.
They have or are reclaiming their lives.

But what are we meant to do then? What is our "salvation"? Can we find it? Can we find life? Ofcourse we can, but we cannot find it in this society of "ours", where capitalism is the master.
I cannot tell you what we are meant to do or what you can do for yourself. Only you know what to do about your situation. Most of us know deep inside what we can do. But we must dare to let go. To let go of our prejudices, our fears, our brainwashed mentality that we "need" so much to survive. We need to let go of ourselves in order to become free, to become what we are. Humans.

Some cultures call this a "cleansing".

Reclaim your life and live, damn it, live!

Freedom.

Today's subject is "freedom". A word that is so misused and misunderstood that it almost hurts saying it. Millions have died for it, in wars, in concentration camps, in torture chambers, in dark alleys, in bedrooms etc.
And what is freedom? Does it have anything to do with democracy, or anarchism? Or any other political ideology? In my opinion, no. Do I have the right answer for what it really is? No. I can only give you my own opinion about what freedom is. The ideas about freedom are as different as there are humans on this planet. If we are to take freedom literally, the true sense of the word, we have to lock ourselves in a dark room, without ligt, without sound and sit there, unaffected by anyone or anything, that would be true freedom. But then again one would become affected by the darkness and silence and probably go mad attempting it.
Then what is freedom for me then? In my opinion: It is bliss, to be content with one's life. To wake up every morning not being weary of life, not wanting to die, not sighing the first thing you do with tears in the corner of your eyes not wanting to go on. Freedom for me is to have complete control of one's own situation, one's own life, being able to control the amount of information that flows into our heads everyday. To travel everywhere and whenever one feels like it. To not be hindered by work, by obligations, by gossip, by a broken heart, by alcohol and tobacco.
You cannot find freedom at the bottom of a bottle, nor is it explained on your payslip, nor is it televisionised and it cannot be bought on sale in a supermarket. Nor can you gain freedom for a society with a revolution, not in this day and age. All one can to today is to set oneself free and hopefully inspire others to follow. Freedom is deep inside all of us, we just have to find it and figure out what it means to us. And what we will do with it.
We were all born free and we can all die free as well.
Freedom is ours for the taking.

Life?

What is life really? I mean, can we truly define it? What is our purpose, the meaning of life? 42? Think about it, some people, a lot of people seems to be content with the fact that their lives is a never-ending circle containing work, consuming, breeding and then the inevitable death. Is that really life, or living? Working 5 days a week to earn your right in our so called society, working to be able to pay a rent we sometimes barely can afford, working 5 days a week to be able to feed ourselves and our families, to pay our bills wich comes from everything we need in life. Or do we? Do we really need all that? Do we really need video/computergames, TV, video, other high-tech machinery, magazines, TV shows that tell us what to do, what to think, how to behave, how to live our lives, perfume, beauty shops, cellphones, movies, CD's, things things things and things? What is that? Is that safety? Is it safety to not being able to sleep due to the fact that you might loose your job, is it safety that you can't sleep due to the fact that you can't afford to pay neither your bills nor your rent? Is it safety that we spend thousands upon thousands of euro/dollars[insert any currency here] on things we don't need? Is it safety knowing that you will only be able to take a vacation 4-5 weeks a year? Is it safety knowing that you will probably have to be working for the rest of your life(wich in this case means until you're about 65+- years old, not that life is necesserily ending at that age, but our youthful strength has surely vanished by then).
Is this what life is about? Oh yes, I almost forgot, we've got all the pubs around us, the beers in the supermarkets, the liquorstores so we can celebrate the upcoming weekend, how can we ever become miserable in a society like this?

Seriously, think about it.

Ever had something you wanted to do with your life? Ever had a dream that still lingers on from childhood? You feel tired all the time, no energy or lust for life? You have an "itch" that refuses to go away, you know you can remedy it somehow, but not exactly sure how? You have a constant feeling that all this is wrong, but you can't really place your thumb on it either? That there is something else out there, that a different life is possible? But you can't go, you can't do something about it? You have a job, a partner, a band, you got friends that would question you, you have somewhere to "belong" and just can't go or do something about that "itch", right? There is always an excuse to linger on. Always.

Why am I talking about this? Well i'm sick of this. And have been for quite some years. But I lingered on, I stayed, I tried to drink it away, tried to conform and adjust to my surroundings thinking that it would go away. Sometimes it did, could always find something that could make me smile for a week or two, sometimes even months. But I always fell back, became severely depressed, developed angst, stopped caring about anything. But something happened to me, I had a mental breakdown in december 2009 and thought to myself "Shit, it's either death or change from here" and I chose to change, to live.
And what kind of change am I talking about? What is this? Life?
We're not meant to live like this, in cities where we work our whole lives away, drinking our "free time" away believing that we are truly free, wich we are not. We are as caged as the animals in laboratories, only that our cages are mental. We accept that this is life. We conform. And then ofcourse we have all these subcultural groups claiming to be different and one is more free and independent than the other, only problem is, all these subcultural groups follow the patterns of "our" society. Why? Because they're all about blending in, having a common opinion, if you can't adjust to the main thinking of the group, then you do not fit in. And we believe that our only remedy to all of that working is to drink it all away during the weekends, sometimes even during the week(we're free, right?). And ofcourse we have fun when we do it, when we party, when we go to concerts, when we go to pubs, when we get laid for the night not even remembering who it was with in the first place(nor do we care right? "Gotta get laid!!!"), but is it really freedom?

Is it really life?

I've had enough of this. For me this isn't a life, it's a bloody joke. We're not meant to live like this. We have a whole world to explore, to play in, we have feelings to express, oceans to cross, mountains to climb, we have skills to be shared, we have forests to wander, earth to walk on. We have everything we need around us, but we don't see it.
But it's never too late to wake up, to take a chance, to really make your life worth living.
And me?
I'm getting the hell out of here.