It's not only that it's a crazed holiday, stolen from pagans, distorted by christians and ruined by capitalism and consumerism. Christmas always reminds me of what I do not have. A family. No matter how happy and high on life I might be, rushing towards this adventure or that or making plans like no other, plans that would make dreams seem pale in comparison. As soon as december comes creeping around the corner, christmas trees and ludicrous images of santa claus starts popping up like sponges and mold in an old house, I feel like throwing up my intestines. Every year it's the same.
I see people buying presents for brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, partners and friends. It's not that I wish to spend all my money on crap and call them presents, it's the fact that I do not have anyone to spend christmas with. No matter how distorted winter solstice(christmas) has become, it is still a holiday where families spend time together, share love and warmth(on most occasions) for each other.
I do not have any family to share my love, my warmth, my joy with. Funny thing is, the other eleven months of the year I don't even give a rat's ass about having a family, but this time of year I do. Hits me like a bulldozer every time.
I get reminded of the fact that i'll never be able to look my mother in the eyes, tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am to her for bringing me into this world. And how sorry I am for all the troubles we had when she was still alive. And I will never be able to reconcile with my father, whom I loathed and hated until the day he died, right before my eyes.
Sure, I do not have to be all alone for christmas. I could always join my so called "friends"("friends" as in that company that always seem to be there for you as long as you keep sucking on the bottle, but disappear as soon as you wish to lead an alcohol-free life) on the pub, where I've spent so many other christmases, drunk, miserable, depressed with no end. But i'm not gonna do that. Not this year, as I didn't do last year. Or the year before that. I'd rather be alone than to go back to that miserable lot.
Whatever. It's just about two and a half weeks to go and then i'll be all sunshine and rainbows and full of life and joy-joy again. Until then, i'll keep lurking in the shadows.
Oh, one more thing, kids, respect your parents since you'll never know when they are taken from you, and respect your friends, no matter which path in life they choose to tread.
