Ramblings of a lost soul

Ever had the feeling that you have no fucking clue of what you're doing? I have. Most of the time.
I remember when I started this blog a couple of years ago I thought that I had a clear vison of what I wanted to do with my life. Or did I? I was going to break away from my inner and outer demons and find this magical place that would change my life forever and turn me into a golden fairy. Or something similar.
That's how desperate I was.

And now, nearly four years later, after having travelled through nearly thirty countries by bus, train and thumb I still haven't found what I thought I was looking for. What i'm really looking for is inner peace. What I have learned in these past years of endless rambling is that inner peace can never be found in some magical place, coz there is no bloody magical place out there. The magical place lies within you, within me, within us. That's what i've learned so far. And in some parts it was a rough learning. Am I happy with this profound knowledge? No, not really, i'm still fucking lost and confused. And I probably will be for a long time.

Most people walk through life trying to achieve unattainable goals, as if when they reach that one particular goal, everything will be sunshine and fuzzy rainbows. That's not going to happen, not for the most of us. There are many lost souls out there and have been for as long as mankind has existed, and there always will be.
Some people have clear missions, grand ideas, a clear picture of what they want to do and I envy them. Some of them actually do succeed and for them i'm happy, I really am. No bloody swedish jealousy on my part. What if my mission is to keep on searching? Well, I don't really have anything better to do so that's what i'll keep on doing. A restless soul is a restless soul.

I've said many times throughout this blog that life takes interesting turns. A lot. Nearly two weeks ago my girlfriend cheated on me with a 57 year old guy in a small hippie-village where I lived for about a year. It happened two days before we were supposed to meet in her hometown and spend easter together. I never liked it there in that village, didn't fit into the "ever-happy-forever-middle/upper-class"-mentality that exists up there. I had a personal hell living in that village and what my girlfriend, now ex, did was indeed a fitting end to what I've felt all along. The best part is that she told me what she had done through Facebook. Atleast I had enough backbone to call her and dump her. Even though i'm pissed off and sad, it feels like a fitting end to a chapter in my life that can only be seen as a vicious lesson. Yes, I do see it as a lesson. Why? Well, when I came to that village to go a course on organic farming for eleven months I thought that it would change my life. That i'd finally become happy and whole. But what I didn't realise, until too late, is that people can't get along. Some people can. But certainly not everyone. I will never forget how much energy I spent in trying to get along with those people up there, I will never forget how much shit I shoved up my own ass, how much pride I swallowed, just coz I had this fucked up idea that "everyone can get along as long as we all understand each other". That might work in a third world country where nothing is all you have. But not in a first world country where most of us are bred up to be egoistic, selfish status-junkies. Besides, some people are more uncomfortable than others and i'm one of them.

One interesting aspect about the whole thing is that the more "real" or "rough" your life have been, the more uncomfortable you are or become by the people around you. Why? Well, most people can't fucking understand you. You represent something that scares the living shit out of most people. A broken lifestory. A constant reminder that life can be a living hell. And some people can't handle that.

So what do we have, we the lost souls that keep twisting our hearts in search for something we cannot name?
The more I think of it, the more I come to the realisation that the only thing left is the journey itself and that the final goal of all is death. Not in a suicidal way. I mean that when I lie on my death's bed, hopefully surrounded by a bunch of grandkids, I want the privilege to say that I had a rough, bumpy journey, but it was worth it all the way. Know what I mean?

So what's up for me now? Well. I live in the Black Pearl since two months back, residing in the woods outside of Gothenburg, working two to three nights a week, writing stories and making money so that I in about two months can hit the road again. Oh, I never managed to get anyone to donate money so I could change the engine and that's perfectly all right. It doesn't matter, atleast I tried, haha. Well, some guy did donate five euros. I'm also trying to cope with loneliness. Not that I am particularly lonely, it's just that it's a big deal for a lot of people to surround oneself with people all the time and being lonely, or spend time with oneself is more than often seen as a scary thing.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but instead to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, and raising hell proclaiming: WHOA WHAT A RIDE!"

"I have a dream...Save the Black Pearl!"

I have a dream. And an idea. Not sure if it will work, but i'm gonna try and I need your help for it to work.

Thing is; me and my girlfriend bought ourselvers a van like six months ago. An old camper van from 1980 so it's tax free (atleast in Sweden), it was a bit worn out but we patched it up good. Even bought it a new pair of tyres. We found out that one of the previous owners had named her "The Black Pearl", or "Svarta Pärlan" in swedish. We've kept that name. So far everything was great. I've been dreaming about having a van for years and so have my girlfriend. I even managed to take my driving license after we bought the Pearl. We  painted her (yes, we call the van "her") on the inside and made great plans of where to go, what do to.

So one beautiful october morning, about a week after I got my driving license, I decided to take the Pearl out for a ride for about a week, to see what it would be like. I had a great week, met lots of old friends and slept like a baby in the back. We had found a bed-frame, that fit perfectly inside the van, at a freeshop in the village where we currently live.

One thing I discovered during this week was that the Pearl is a heavy drinker. She drinks gasoline like a drunk drinks free beer on judgement day. Seriously, i'm not joking. This insight is a major setback for us.
Gasoline in Europe is insanely expensive at the moment and we're not gonna last long on the road the way the Pearl handles her gasoline today. What we could do though, is to switch out her 34 year old engine for a newer one that drinks less gasoline. Preferrably one that slurps diesel as it is more energy-efficient and thus lasts longer. Now we come to the real issue: money. There is none to be had and it costs a lot of money to switch engine. I'm a student at the moment, gonna study the upcoming six months to become a writer. I do know how to write, I just need to get some more weight and confidence under my belt since I would want to make a living out of it in the future. Plus I get to stay at home since it's a distance course. Anyway, I do not get much cash from this and my girlfriend is unemployed at the moment. It's quite difficult to get a job in Sweden these days. I'm sure you understand where i'm getting at, don't you? Please stay, and hear me out.

We were planning to live in the bus and travel for a very, very long time. Going from place to place, selling stuff we've made so we could get money for gas and go to the next place and so on until we find a place where we could settle down for good. The van is perfect, we've spent a lot of money already to patch her up to her current state.

The Black Pearl chilling in front of the place where we lived during the summer of 2013.

Now we've arrived to what I really want. We need help to raise enough money so we could switch engine. I know most of you will frown upon this, but i'm really desperate. The other option would be to let her go, sell her, but then we'd lose everything we've worked so hard for, our dreams. I need help, feedback on what we could do in exchange for your possible contribution. There are many people out there, travelling for what it's worth, making money through charity and fundraising-sites. Only they've stolen the best ideas. Or have they?

I'm not asking for much. Anything would help. Be it 5 cent or a million dollars/euros it would be great. But i'd be willing do something fun in return. To give something back. Like a challenge: "plant a tree in every tenth city you go through" or home-made bracelets or whatever. Perhaps even come by your house and help with your garden or clean or whatever if it's on the way. Our current plans is to get to Spain in may/june. If you have any great ideas on what we could do, please tell us.

If you would like to help us, it would be amazing. If so, please check out this website: (It's called "Save the Black Pearl")  http://www.gofundme.com/black-pearl

Many thanks in advance //
Mattias

Waiting around to love?

Love.

The word itself makes my mouth water in a way. What is love? And can it truly be defined? Can it be touched? Altered? Controlled?

Desire. Passion. Lust.

Why do I even want to write about love? Because! Love is one of the few things that makes me tick. One of the few things that gives me a reason to live. Out of love comes passion, and out of passion comes life. Passion and love, for me, is the real essence of life, something that can make us move mountains, tear up trees by their roots, cross continents without eating or drinking for days, risk our lives and challenge everything that stands in our way.

That's what love is for me.

Sure, one can talk of love between all creatures, that we're all connected and cuddly-doo, which we ofc are. But loving someone for the sake of loving is like wearing shoes just for the sake of wearing shoes, not that you actually might need to wear shoes at that particular moment. That might've sounded a bit wrong, and easy to misunderstand, what I mean is that, for me, love is so powerful and holy that I reserve it for the most powerful of moments, when passion is truly in the air and the sheer energy from it cannot be controlled or contained. When everything else disappears into a grey blur of nothingness and all that exists is you and the person whom you might be in love with, or the passion you might have for something, as love does not only include coupling between people, but also lust for something to do, somewhere to be, someone to be. Life itself!

I can think of no better feeling as when i'm passionately in love with someone or something, when all else fades away, all your focus is concentrated on that person, or that particular "thing"(not meaning object as in "stuff")/idea you long for or wish to do, or place to be. No rules, no laws, no hinders, no money, no society, no nothing can stand for long in the way of anyone who's truly passionately in love with someone/something. Nothing! If you're truly and deeply in love, nothing else matters and there is always a way. Always! If your heart truly desires what you think you might love, then you will find a way to make it happen, whatever it might be. If not, you will find an excuse not to.

I want you. You want me. Let us become one. It is as simple as that.

You hear me, life?

What do you mean "merry christmas"?

If there is one public holiday of the year I simply cannot stand, then it is christmas. Or the whole month of december. It brings me down like an asteroid the size of europe.

It's not only that it's a crazed holiday, stolen from pagans, distorted by christians and ruined by capitalism and consumerism. Christmas always reminds me of what I do not have. A family. No matter how happy and high on life I might be, rushing towards this adventure or that or making plans like no other, plans that would make dreams seem pale in comparison. As soon as december comes creeping around the corner, christmas trees and ludicrous images of santa claus starts popping up like sponges and mold in an old house, I feel like throwing up my intestines. Every year it's the same.

I see people buying presents for brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, partners and friends. It's not that I wish to spend all my money on crap and call them presents, it's the fact that I do not have anyone to spend christmas with. No matter how distorted winter solstice(christmas) has become, it is still a holiday where families spend time together, share love and warmth(on most occasions) for each other.
I do not have any family to share my love, my warmth, my joy with. Funny thing is, the other eleven months of the year I don't even give a rat's ass about having a family, but this time of year I do. Hits me like a bulldozer every time.

I get reminded of the fact that i'll never be able to look my mother in the eyes, tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am to her for bringing me into this world. And how sorry I am for all the troubles we had when she was still alive. And I will never be able to reconcile with my father, whom I loathed and hated until the day he died, right before my eyes.

Sure, I do not have to be all alone for christmas. I could always join my so called "friends"("friends" as in that company that always seem to be there for you as long as you keep sucking on the bottle, but disappear as soon as you wish to lead an alcohol-free life) on the pub, where I've spent so many other christmases, drunk, miserable, depressed with no end. But i'm not gonna do that. Not this year, as I didn't do last year. Or the year before that. I'd rather be alone than to go back to that miserable lot.

Whatever. It's just about two and a half weeks to go and then i'll be all sunshine and rainbows and full of life and joy-joy again. Until then, i'll keep lurking in the shadows.

Oh, one more thing, kids, respect your parents since you'll never know when they are taken from you, and respect your friends, no matter which path in life they choose to tread.

The wheel of life.

So, I made it across the thirty-year-mark.
Nothing special one might think. But ten years ago I didn't believe I'd live this long, mostly due to the life I was living and what was happening to several friends of mine at the time. Suicides and dead end depression with no hope in sight. Five years ago I was on the brink of committing suicide, I couldn't even see a future for myself six months ahead. I hated life and I hated myself.

Of course all that have changed.
My perspective on life has gone through an overhaul of epic proportions.

Today I'm quite happy and I look forward to getting older. Getting older means, for me today, gaining more experience, more adventures, more possibilities and opportunities. I have this dream of me being an old man, sitting next to a fire in the woods somewhere, telling my grandchildren stories of my adventures and mishappenings. That's what i'm living for today. To gain a lifetime of stories, to gain a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom so that when my time is due, I can drift off into the eternal sleep with peace in my heart and a wide smile on my face.

There is so much to do. There is so much to see. There is so much to hear. There is so much to feel. There is so much to experience. Although I'll probably not be able to embrace everything this world has to offer, I'm satisfied to know that I atleast have the insight and belief that one's whole life is a neverending journey, both external and internal.

And no, it does not matter to me anymore that misfortunes occur, or that I sometimes slip into a depression. For these days I'm well aware of the fact that it'll pass, one way or another. It always does. If misfortunes and tragic events didn't happen, one would never be able to know what happiness really is.

It's all part of the wheel of life.

And thus it begins.

Oh my, oh my. Where should I begin, blog?

Remember in february, when I wrote about feeling like I was being stuck in a sea of tar, just waiting to "pop", for everything to go "swoosh"? Well. The "swoosh" is here. I've finally popped. And i'm racing in three hundred kilometres a minute towards life at the moment.

In the past month I've moved to a new place, to a friends house, got accepted to a school up in northern sweden and recently experienced something truly magical. I don't know how to put my feelings in writing at the moment, but it's something like being hit with a sledgehammer and lightning at the same time, while thunderous rain is pounding my body and the moon is smiling bright and powerful above me although it could not possibly be there due to the heavy rain and while I stand there trying to regain my balance a  pickup truck made of rainbows hits me head on and I end up on the back of it as it drives full speed towards the horizon. Yup, something like that.

It's like when things start to go "swoosh", it all goes "swoosh" at the same time. While i'm quite happy about moving to my friends house, I get accepted to a school(the one where I get to live in the woods, grow my own food and stuff) i've been drooling about for quite some time and later I meet something I didn't really think I would meet. Or is it someone? I suppose time will tell and nothing is written in stone so therefore I will not mention any names or any possible outcomes or hopes I might have about this meeting. Only that the experience of that particular meeting has left me somewhat numbstruck. To put it mildly. Something truly beautiful could be in the making here. The only thing I will share with you, blog(I need to get something out of my chest, don't I?), is that this meeting, or she, is definitely within my span of attention. Oh, those eyes, those eyes. I tell you, blog. If I never understood the meaning of mesmerizing before, I sure do now.

What will be, will be.

I'm not complaining here, life is giving me all it's got at the moment and I love it! I really do, this is how life should be and how it can be if we only work for our dreams, follow that gut feeling that tells us to go out of the way for something. That nagging feeling in the back of our heads that whisper in our ears that the grass is indeed greener on the other side of that distant hill.

Yes, what will be, will be.

A letter from the front.

Hello blog.

How's it hanging? 
Everything good on your side of life? Please, tell me something that'll make my day. Make me smile.

What can I tell you, old friend? Sorry for not being so responsive as I sometimes wish I could've been. Life for me is going so-so at the moment. The sun can't shine all the time, right? Atleast I might be heading somewhere, instead of sitting around just for the sake of being in love with someone who isn't really healthy to be in love with in the first place. Well, things aren't really bad either. We can say that i'm recovering, but it's taking it's own jolly little time.

I finally sent those applications to them schools in the forests up north here in Sweden. Hopefully one of them will accept me so I can live in the forest for a year, learning how to grow my own food properly, how to maintain life on a small farm and such. Been around this city for far too long and even though I have some friends around here I just can't stand all the drama, the frenzy for alcohol every weekend, the stress, the fucked up state of mind that this society has brought up. I'm not gonna complain anymore about people or cities in this letter, been doing it quite alot to you, blog, and I feel that you deseve some happiness, some love from me. My old friend. You deserve to know that everything isn't despair and maddened tears of doom.

I'm taking steps towards my own so-called transformation, my big move out of this endless loop of, in my opinion, faulty situations. Or so I like to think anyways. I'm studying gardening and landscaping here in Gothenburg as a part of the journey. And I love it. I love digging in the earth, getting to know plants, flowers, bushes, trees and their names. Or the names that we, puny humans, have given them. I love going to school every day, seeing the faces of my schoolmates, hearing their voices as we make plans and dream of the future, of a different world where everything is more green and there is hope for a change in the world. I love the smell of the somewhat fresh air(which is ofcourse mixed with exhaust fumes and wet concrete) I feel every morning, I love feeling the morning dew clinging like spider web on my skin(Haha, not sure how to explain that feeling really, but you know what I mean). This education means hope to me. It means a possible positive future. It makes me dream. It makes me feel alive again. It gives me purpose and a sense of direction.  It gives me the confirmation I crave, that I need, that life is more than the endless grind of drama, broken hearts, alcohol, broken lives and dreams. Proof that one can actually do some good in this world.

Yes, one could say that the sun is starting to come out.  Only wish that I could learn not to fall for the wrong women, haha.

Well, blog, I guess this is it for this time. I'll get back to you in a few days or so, when I've found the time between my studies and those moments where I'm mind-gobbling myself to bits about life and how to live it. I really have to get my ass going to school. 

Yours sincerely 

Mattias
"Maitiú mac Faolchú"