Up and up we go.

There. Finally. I'm climbing upwards again after having had some sort of a mental recession during the summer. The sun can't shine all the time, nor can it rain all the time either. Plans are being made and ideas are taking form once more. Not sure what it was really that made me feel so low for a while, wether it was the experience of coming back to a world where mostly everyone is trying their damdest to pretend to live lives which are fake, but sure as hell looks good from the outside, or perhaps the feeling of letting myself down on my dreams and self-imposed expectations or the realization that I really don't fit anymore. I went to a couple of punk-shows, had a few drunken nights and it wasn't fun. Not one bit. Becoming shitfaced every weekend pretending that i'm doing a difference or are any different from all the other lemmings out there is not my cup of tea. No thanks. Sure, people can do as they please with their own lives, but I do not wish to be dragged down into the bottomless pit of bullshit, negativity and self-deception.
 Did some studying, was fun for a while although it generated a wee bit more stress in my life than I actually needed, and since I do not have any dreams of becoming a doctor or a big boss somewhere I simply quit a while ago. To be honest, it was mostly for the free cash and the possibility of more spare time that enticed me, not the possibilty of having better grades on a fancy paper with my name on it. I suppose I fooled myself since I did not get any more spare time, but I did have fun for a bit. I've even quit eating my anti-depressives, I threw them in the dustbin of doom about a month ago. And guess what? I feel fucking great. I do not believe in the fact that dining on pills for the rest of our lives can or could make our lives happier or healthier. Quite the opposite. That crap is designed to make us dependant and addicted to them, same with alcohol and ciggarettes.

What now then? Well. I'm going back to my old job to raise some money so I can head off again. Canada looms in the distance. Of all the solutions and possibilities i've been twisting my mind with, travelling is the one that tickles my heart the most. I've got nothing to gain by sitting idle and waiting for something better to come along, as a lot of people out there do, i'd rather grab it myself while I still have the chance. Hopping on the fun-wagon, the crazy-train bound for nowhere in particular. There's a whole world out there and all the things I wish to learn I can learn out there(or anywhere), for free and with a big smile on my face while screaming my lungs out, lauging like a maniac at life.

Sure, coming back hasn't been all piss and misery, i've met several amazing people whom I wouldn't have met if I hadn't come back and I have ofcourse learned a thing or two as well during my stay. Meeting good-hearted friends is always warming, it's nurturing the soul and it's always nice to know that no matter where you go, or how far it may between your meetings, true friends never really disappear.
I've had my fun(and lowtime) here for a while but now it's time to head out again. I've had my lessons, my impressions, my depression and have made some decisions. We live only once and I cannot for the love of any god understand why I should sit here, dreaming my life away while hearing about other people's broken dreams, when I could be out there myself, especially since I don't have anything that stops me. I've had my fun, my boredom, my false sense of security, my job, my studies for some time and now it's time to drop it all again. Jump off the cliff, because the cliff has been choking me and I really, really want to live.
I do not regret coming back as I believe that everything happens for a reason and a lot of great and fun things has happened to me since I came back and, like I wrote above, i've met several people that I am truly grateful for having met.

To be honest, I never really came back. It's not possible, I think, once you leave. Especially since I realize myself how much I've actually changed since I left for Africa in august last year. But coming "back" has been a lesson I needed to have, experiences, talks and ideas I needed to share.
For that I am happy I came "back".

Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by
without me gazing towards the horizon
pondering, dreaming and scheming
itchy feet taking one step at a time

Not a day goes by
without me wondering what's out there
restless, anxious and frustrated
weary eyes craving something new

Not a day goes by
without me asking why
curious, adventurous and defiant
lingering doubt growing day by day

Not a day goes by
without me saying my quiet goodbyes
sorrowful, seeking and yearning
an aging soul on a quest for its path

Not a day goes by
without me being astonished by life
grateful, joyous and understanding
lively hands grasping for hope

Not a day goes by
without me seeing through it all
wrathful, vengeful and forgiving
unrelenting spirit fighting for what it's worth

Not a day goes by
without me  saying my silent thank you

Not a day goes by
without me realising that life is worth living

Not a day goes by
without me hoping for something better

Not a day goes by
without me realising how lucky I really am

Not a single day...

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." - Grace Hansen

For life.

It's quite funny how things turn out, isn't it? A year ago I knew exactly what I would do. Now i'm confused, depressed and lost. Again. Not sure what it is really since I should be happy. I mean, I have a home with a good friend of mine, a job and a girlfriend. I've travelled halfway through Africa by myself. I'm gonna start taking driving courses in a few weeks... But still there is something wrong with all this. There is something missing. Always. Can't place my finger on what it is, but there is something missing for sure. I hate this way of life. I reallly, really do. No matter what I do I feel like shit and I feel alone, or more precisely; like an outsider no matter what I do or who I hang out with... I don't want to live like this. I hate feeling like this. I should be happy, I should be content, but i'm not. Not even sure if I ever will be. It's not that I want stuff or an endless flow of money. It's just that it's all wrong. And i'm the one who's putting myself through this. I'm the one who chose to come back again. And in one big way I regret coming back. I regret becoming homesick while travelling Africa. Why? Well, why not? It's all the same here. I don't feel like I belong at all, even less than I did before I left. Nothing's changed. Not one bit. I don't hang out with people anymore. Sometimes I do, but on extremely rare occasions. I feel that I can't connect with people. Most of the time I don't even care. I've closed the door again. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't want to be here. I've even started eating anti-depressives again. And I smoke like a fucking chimney. At the moment there's a war in my head. I actually do know what's wrong though, I know why i'm feeling like this but for some reason I keep fighting it, fearing it when I don't have to because it doesn't really matter. Not one fucking bit. What I need to do is to kick myself in the butt and get going, I need to get out of this mess. I'm the one who put myself here and I can sure as hell get myself out of it as well. I've fallen into this false-sense-of-security trap. Bad. I managed to quit my job a few days ago, got two weeks left to work then i'm unemployed again. My big plan behind working was to raise money so I could go travel the US and Canada which would take me until march/april to raise enough cash. But one morning I woke up and had a "revelation" of sorts; I can't do it. I can't work. I just can't. I became more and more depressed when I started working, because it is the opposite of what I really want. I've been doing a lot of those things lately. Done a lot of things I don't really want to do, fallen back into old patterns. I'm doing the exact same things I was trying to leave about a year ago. I've quit drinking again though, that's always a start, even if it has left me even more lonely(as fucking usual when going sober). And instead of working i'm going back to school. My "revelation" consisted of the insight that no matter how much I travel, if and when I come back again, I'll always gonna have to start at square one again. Going through the whole process agin and again and again without really have gone anywhere. Not internally atleast. And since I got accepted into the school I was applying for I thought "why the hell not!? It sure beats working". It's nothing special really, only gonna read up on some grades like swedish, history, philosophy, medicine and such just to have something different to do. Going to the same warehouse, doing the same job over and over again for five days a week isn't happening for me. I can't do it mentally. Before I went to Africa I more or less promised myself that I wouldn't set foot inside a warehouse again. Well, I broke that promise and now I'm paying the price for it, mentally. I'll prolly just go to school here in Malmö until like december and next year i'll hopefully get accepted to a school in Värmland, close to the norwegian border where I can learn how to live outdoors and on a farm, how to grow my own vegetables and build my own house. I need to learn something new. I need to get it on paper as well so I can work with something different for once. But until then hopefully i'll manage to get a driving licence so I can get the fuck away and start living anew again. Every misfortune or bad turn brings a lesson, and this lesson is the lesson of life, I know this one well enough. I know exactly what to do. Just need to kick my fear of being alone in the face. I'm taking a chance here again, but i'm doing it not only because I have to, but also because I want to. I want to live, I want to appreciate every moment I breathe. I know how, it's just that it's a long and lonely road to take. But it'll be worth it in the end.

For life.

A friend once told me that I shouldn't live in cities, that it's bad for me.

I totally agree.

Thoughts, introspection and recollections.

This is the third time i'm trying to write something down in here, it's been quite a while since I updated this blog.

Well, i'm back from Africa. Came back at the end of february and I don't really know what to think of it to be honest. In some ways it feels great and in other ways it just feels...weird.
Maybe it is because here in Sweden i'm confronted with everyday life in a different way compared to how I was living in Africa. Or maybe it's the mentality here in Europe that bothers me, where people stab eachother in the back more often than I change my socks. At first it was the cold weather, it was terrible. But now as spring approaches and the sun is coming forth it's not so bad anymore.
But yes I managed to travel through southern Africa, working on farms for food and accommodation, hitchhiking, taking buses and trains. South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi, Tanzania and Kenya. Nearly seven months on that crazy, beautiful continent. I laughed, I got mad, I experienced and I lived. Yes, things didn't really turn out as I had hoped for, but everything happens for a reason. I got homesick after a few months and decided to do something about it and flew back to Sweden  from Kenya. Do I regret it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. What I miss the most is the warmth, not only the weather but also the warmth of the people in Africa. Things work differently in Africa that cannot be explained to people here in Europe that hasn't experienced it themselves. You can't put it in words, but it IS a completeley different world and a different way of thinking. A more natural and down-to-earth way of thinking, which is based on "the now". Everything works but in the same time it doesn't. It's a charm which cannot be found here in western civilization. One thing that i've brought with me from Africa is the fact that I simply can't take people here in Europe seriously anymore. We all have our problems, but many problems are quite small and ridicilous compared to the problems people face in Africa every single day. I mean, when you see people(and yes folks, even kids) living in mud huts, with barely any clothes on their back, no electricity and they're still happy it makes you think. Quite a bit. Sure, people shouted "give me money" almost everytime they saw this particular mzungu(white person) and sometimes it was heartbreaking(especially when small kids came up to you and the only thing they could say in english was that phrase) and sometimes it was frustrating, but I understand them, I would do the same if I was walking in their shoes. I got ripped off quite a few times, but it's not surprising since travelling white people usually means big business in Africa. Not all people will rip you off or beg money from you, but a lot of people will try, especially in the middle of Africa. Some people were blatantly honest about it, others were more careful about their intentions. And loads of people just wanted to help you out, to show the true face of Africa. I got a lot of help during my travels and still to this day i'm quite amazed and proud that I managed to travel more than 6000 kilometres by myself and nothing bad happened. People helped me with places to stay or pulled over and offered me a ride as I was walking towards a particular highway to get somewhere. Some people even wanted to share their food with me even though they had nothing themselves! That's Africa. that's humanity.

So what now? What's my next big plan? My next big adventure? Well, for a while I thought that i'd head off to Canada(one day I will though, been wanting to go there since I was a kid), besides that I didn't really know what to do. It's been really confusing coming back to this stale, two-faced  society. But, as I've said many times before, everything happens for a reason. A friend of mine offered me the chance to rent a small plot of land with him to grow vegetables and medical herbs, something i've dreamed of doing while working my ass off on those organic farms in Africa. So, I've decided to stay, for a while atleast, to work on the land, to be happily in love for the first time since I don't know when. I'm still drifting, mostly between Gothenburg and Malmö(sometimes I even have the luxury of sleeping in a bed), living out of my backpack. I'm even gonna get myself a driving license with the hopes of one day owning a small bus or van where I can live and roam the world as I please. Getting a dog is also planned for. Since i'm gonna stay i'm also thinking of staying in one place permanently for a while. A home.
Things change all the time, in some ways for the bad, but in my case the changes has been for the good and i'm eternally grateful for these events. I truly believe that every misfortune in life is a lesson and that every fortune in life is a result of that lesson being learned. I also believe that if you ask for something in life and truly believe in it, you will recieve it. Why not? Everything i've done the past year or so has been mind-breaking for a person like me, having the history that I do. I've never had nothing. Foster homes, juvenile homes and orphanages was the way I grew up. Angst, depression, drinking and drugs became my reality for far too many years. I've been through hell more times than I can count. But I realised one day that if I don't change and follow my heart, my dreams, I can just as well kill myself since I hated my life at that time. I did that change and it cost me dearly, but I'm happy I went through with it. Today, I can stand firmly on the ground saying:
"I'm free, I'm alive".

Life IS what you make of it.