What do you mean "merry christmas"?

If there is one public holiday of the year I simply cannot stand, then it is christmas. Or the whole month of december. It brings me down like an asteroid the size of europe.

It's not only that it's a crazed holiday, stolen from pagans, distorted by christians and ruined by capitalism and consumerism. Christmas always reminds me of what I do not have. A family. No matter how happy and high on life I might be, rushing towards this adventure or that or making plans like no other, plans that would make dreams seem pale in comparison. As soon as december comes creeping around the corner, christmas trees and ludicrous images of santa claus starts popping up like sponges and mold in an old house, I feel like throwing up my intestines. Every year it's the same.

I see people buying presents for brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, partners and friends. It's not that I wish to spend all my money on crap and call them presents, it's the fact that I do not have anyone to spend christmas with. No matter how distorted winter solstice(christmas) has become, it is still a holiday where families spend time together, share love and warmth(on most occasions) for each other.
I do not have any family to share my love, my warmth, my joy with. Funny thing is, the other eleven months of the year I don't even give a rat's ass about having a family, but this time of year I do. Hits me like a bulldozer every time.

I get reminded of the fact that i'll never be able to look my mother in the eyes, tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am to her for bringing me into this world. And how sorry I am for all the troubles we had when she was still alive. And I will never be able to reconcile with my father, whom I loathed and hated until the day he died, right before my eyes.

Sure, I do not have to be all alone for christmas. I could always join my so called "friends"("friends" as in that company that always seem to be there for you as long as you keep sucking on the bottle, but disappear as soon as you wish to lead an alcohol-free life) on the pub, where I've spent so many other christmases, drunk, miserable, depressed with no end. But i'm not gonna do that. Not this year, as I didn't do last year. Or the year before that. I'd rather be alone than to go back to that miserable lot.

Whatever. It's just about two and a half weeks to go and then i'll be all sunshine and rainbows and full of life and joy-joy again. Until then, i'll keep lurking in the shadows.

Oh, one more thing, kids, respect your parents since you'll never know when they are taken from you, and respect your friends, no matter which path in life they choose to tread.

The wheel of life.

So, I made it across the thirty-year-mark.
Nothing special one might think. But ten years ago I didn't believe I'd live this long, mostly due to the life I was living and what was happening to several friends of mine at the time. Suicides and dead end depression with no hope in sight. Five years ago I was on the brink of committing suicide, I couldn't even see a future for myself six months ahead. I hated life and I hated myself.

Of course all that have changed.
My perspective on life has gone through an overhaul of epic proportions.

Today I'm quite happy and I look forward to getting older. Getting older means, for me today, gaining more experience, more adventures, more possibilities and opportunities. I have this dream of me being an old man, sitting next to a fire in the woods somewhere, telling my grandchildren stories of my adventures and mishappenings. That's what i'm living for today. To gain a lifetime of stories, to gain a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom so that when my time is due, I can drift off into the eternal sleep with peace in my heart and a wide smile on my face.

There is so much to do. There is so much to see. There is so much to hear. There is so much to feel. There is so much to experience. Although I'll probably not be able to embrace everything this world has to offer, I'm satisfied to know that I atleast have the insight and belief that one's whole life is a neverending journey, both external and internal.

And no, it does not matter to me anymore that misfortunes occur, or that I sometimes slip into a depression. For these days I'm well aware of the fact that it'll pass, one way or another. It always does. If misfortunes and tragic events didn't happen, one would never be able to know what happiness really is.

It's all part of the wheel of life.

And thus it begins.

Oh my, oh my. Where should I begin, blog?

Remember in february, when I wrote about feeling like I was being stuck in a sea of tar, just waiting to "pop", for everything to go "swoosh"? Well. The "swoosh" is here. I've finally popped. And i'm racing in three hundred kilometres a minute towards life at the moment.

In the past month I've moved to a new place, to a friends house, got accepted to a school up in northern sweden and recently experienced something truly magical. I don't know how to put my feelings in writing at the moment, but it's something like being hit with a sledgehammer and lightning at the same time, while thunderous rain is pounding my body and the moon is smiling bright and powerful above me although it could not possibly be there due to the heavy rain and while I stand there trying to regain my balance a  pickup truck made of rainbows hits me head on and I end up on the back of it as it drives full speed towards the horizon. Yup, something like that.

It's like when things start to go "swoosh", it all goes "swoosh" at the same time. While i'm quite happy about moving to my friends house, I get accepted to a school(the one where I get to live in the woods, grow my own food and stuff) i've been drooling about for quite some time and later I meet something I didn't really think I would meet. Or is it someone? I suppose time will tell and nothing is written in stone so therefore I will not mention any names or any possible outcomes or hopes I might have about this meeting. Only that the experience of that particular meeting has left me somewhat numbstruck. To put it mildly. Something truly beautiful could be in the making here. The only thing I will share with you, blog(I need to get something out of my chest, don't I?), is that this meeting, or she, is definitely within my span of attention. Oh, those eyes, those eyes. I tell you, blog. If I never understood the meaning of mesmerizing before, I sure do now.

What will be, will be.

I'm not complaining here, life is giving me all it's got at the moment and I love it! I really do, this is how life should be and how it can be if we only work for our dreams, follow that gut feeling that tells us to go out of the way for something. That nagging feeling in the back of our heads that whisper in our ears that the grass is indeed greener on the other side of that distant hill.

Yes, what will be, will be.

A letter from the front.

Hello blog.

How's it hanging? 
Everything good on your side of life? Please, tell me something that'll make my day. Make me smile.

What can I tell you, old friend? Sorry for not being so responsive as I sometimes wish I could've been. Life for me is going so-so at the moment. The sun can't shine all the time, right? Atleast I might be heading somewhere, instead of sitting around just for the sake of being in love with someone who isn't really healthy to be in love with in the first place. Well, things aren't really bad either. We can say that i'm recovering, but it's taking it's own jolly little time.

I finally sent those applications to them schools in the forests up north here in Sweden. Hopefully one of them will accept me so I can live in the forest for a year, learning how to grow my own food properly, how to maintain life on a small farm and such. Been around this city for far too long and even though I have some friends around here I just can't stand all the drama, the frenzy for alcohol every weekend, the stress, the fucked up state of mind that this society has brought up. I'm not gonna complain anymore about people or cities in this letter, been doing it quite alot to you, blog, and I feel that you deseve some happiness, some love from me. My old friend. You deserve to know that everything isn't despair and maddened tears of doom.

I'm taking steps towards my own so-called transformation, my big move out of this endless loop of, in my opinion, faulty situations. Or so I like to think anyways. I'm studying gardening and landscaping here in Gothenburg as a part of the journey. And I love it. I love digging in the earth, getting to know plants, flowers, bushes, trees and their names. Or the names that we, puny humans, have given them. I love going to school every day, seeing the faces of my schoolmates, hearing their voices as we make plans and dream of the future, of a different world where everything is more green and there is hope for a change in the world. I love the smell of the somewhat fresh air(which is ofcourse mixed with exhaust fumes and wet concrete) I feel every morning, I love feeling the morning dew clinging like spider web on my skin(Haha, not sure how to explain that feeling really, but you know what I mean). This education means hope to me. It means a possible positive future. It makes me dream. It makes me feel alive again. It gives me purpose and a sense of direction.  It gives me the confirmation I crave, that I need, that life is more than the endless grind of drama, broken hearts, alcohol, broken lives and dreams. Proof that one can actually do some good in this world.

Yes, one could say that the sun is starting to come out.  Only wish that I could learn not to fall for the wrong women, haha.

Well, blog, I guess this is it for this time. I'll get back to you in a few days or so, when I've found the time between my studies and those moments where I'm mind-gobbling myself to bits about life and how to live it. I really have to get my ass going to school. 

Yours sincerely 

Mattias
"Maitiú mac Faolchú" 

IN MEMORIAM

Photo taken of "Tent" in the desert outside Swakopmund, Namibia. November 2010.

In loving memory of "Tent".

Purchased in Durban, South Africa, september 2010 - Lost/stolen in Krakow, Poland, july 28th 2012

We ventured far together, my friend. Through twenty countries we marched, we hitchhiked, we rode buses, we rode trains, we slept in forests, we slept in deserts, we slept on plains, we slept close to borders, we slept on mountains, we slept on slopes, we slept in rain, we  slept underneath a scorching sun, we sweated, we froze, we spilled blood, we got angry, we cursed the world, we loved, we laughed, we became wet, we waited, we ran, we made friends and we travelled together. We lived together. We were one.

South Africa           Namibia
Botswana                Zimbabwe
Zambia                    Malawi
Tanzania                  Kenya
Sweden                    Denmark
Germany                  Czech Republic
Austria                     Italy
Slovenia                   Croatia
Bosnia                      Hungary
Slovakia                   Poland

Many a time you watched my back, as I watched yours. Many a time you took care of me when noone else would. You were my portable home, my access to the wild, my comfort in the night.

Inside of you the horrors of the night could not reach me. Inside of you there was only me and you. Inside of you it felt like  the whole outside world vanished as you took me in your welcoming embrace.

I was always true to you, as you were true to me. Never once did I look upon another tent with desire in my heart, as you never looked upon another traveler with desire in your heart. You never lied to me, as I never lied to you. You treated me with respect, as I  treated you with respect. We had no secrets, we shared our time together and life was ours. If you would've been a woman, you would've been the love of my life. 

You weren't perfect, inside of you I had to sleep diagonally, since you were a wee bit too  small. A manufacturing error I presume. But never once did I complain. You were perfect for me, you suited my needs like a hand in a glove. I loved you like I've loved noone else. Close to the perfect relationship, if such a thing really exists.

"Tent" chilling with dogs. Nkhata bay, Malawi. February, 2011.

You endured my silly jokes in the dark, my ramblings and mumblings as I turned and twisted inside you. I used you hard, I used you rough and never once did you complain. Not even in Slovakia, when I noticed that one of your zippers was starting to let go and some of your seams were starting to fall off. You were starting to fall apart, but still you stood  strong, you endured and cared for me.

You were patient, loving, gentle, caring, trusting, brave, adventurous, understanding. You were always there for me when I needed you and you never demanded nothing of me except my love and usage of you.

Whether you were stolen or I, for some magical reason, managed to forget you somewhere, it is apparent that our time together has come to an end. Things happen for a reason and I can only hope, deep inside my heart, that you now take care of someone else who need you as much as I did. Or even more. Or, if you have been dumped in a trashcan somewhere in Krakow or ended up on a pile outside of the city, I can only hope that you rest in peace. May the afterlife treat you well.

You will always have a special place in my heart. Even though I will get a new tent eventually,  it will never be the same. You have been number one and will always be number one to me. I will tell my future tent stories about you, how we lived, how we travelled, what we experienced together. 

"Tent" camping in Skåne, Sweden. July/August 2011.

You will not be forgotten. I miss you.

I love you, "Tent", always will.

Yours forever

Mattias

PS "Backpack" sends its love.

Oh, the drudgery!

Sometimes it's hard to swallow the, oh-so-hard, fact that life isn't an adventure all the time. Sure, there are worse problems in the world, but we all have the right to complain every now and then. You know that feeling when you know that you're on your way, you're on the go, but things are going incredibly slow, right before that "pop" that makes it all go "swoosh"? Yup, that's how I feel at the moment. Feels like i'm wading through a huge sea of tar, not in the negative sense, it's just that i'm bored out of my mind and I have no patience what so ever. So why not swing by here and let off some steam? It's been quite a while since I last came here.

So what's new? I'm still searching for my place in the world, that "magical place" where I want to settle down and everything is fluffy and cuddly and happy happy joy joy. I've ended up in Gothenburg again after about three and a half years of exile. Gonna try to hit the road when summer comes around the corner, have managed to find this awesome into-the-wild-kinda course in northern Sweden(starts in august) which i'm gonna apply for. Would be nice to do some good old travellin' before it starts. Until then i'm gonna work and save up some cash just for the sake of having some extra cash on my account. I really need to get away somewhere sometime soon, I haven't travelled properly since I came back from Africa. Sure, i've been drifting between Malmö and Gothenburg but it doesn't really count. I crave the open spaces, the endless road, the deep forests, the high mountains and the way of life that occurs only when you're on the road. I miss it real hard sometimes. But I suppose my lesson until I head out again is to be patient, that it's OK that take it slow sometimes. To relax, to be bored out of your mind, go crazy and paranoid about this insane society we all live in. In a way it's quite healthy to be stuck for a while I suppose, since it gives me even more reasons to go and even more lust for a life outside the "safety net". 

I still have that empty hole inside me, and it's not only because of the lack of travelling in my life lately, it's more the feeling of being disconnected with the world. The universe if you like. Sometimes I feel that i'm closing in on that "which-could-make-me-feel-complete", but it keeps evading me. There's always this constant longing for something of which I cannot name, nor place my finger on. I do know that it has something to do with this society, i've written all about it before(numerous times), but I still haven't found the answer. Or the cure. But one day I will. 

Or die trying.